Jillsy's Blog

being a wife…birth mom…adoptive mom….dealing with infertillty & life

Feel or Cope? August 4, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 10:50 am

meds   Which is better…..to feel your feelings 100% or to cover them so you can deal with the situations that make you feel? It is no secret that I am on anxiety medicine. I need it to deal with life. Without it I grind my teeth, clench my jaw, lose sleep, have headaches and worry about stuff I can not control.

Yesterday I forgot to take my medicine in the hurry to pack up and take my kids to the waterpark. By the time we returned home I was a wreck. It was as tho someone broke the dam of feelings and they overflowed. I felt anger, hurt, shame, inadequacy as a mom, mentally exhausted and no patience. Sure we all feel that way time to time, but this was different. My heart broke along with the dam of feelings. I have blogged before, many times about my daughter and her struggles. It was a normal day for her, but for me I saw it differently and more emotionally vs. matter of fact. I woke this morning wondering which is better?

My medicine helps me be strong and patient…something I NEED as a mother with a daughter who struggles with school, social situations, friendships, not being able to learn from past mistakes and being a teen girl on top of that. Her Non Verbal Disorder is so much harder for her which results in hard times for me and hard times for our family. We do have good days – really good days. But we also have days that seem unending…fights, impulsive behavior, fights and social inappropriatenss.

I saw my daughter and her struggles differently yesterday…I saw it thru my feelings vs. my coping skills. I was heartbroken at the behavior she can’t control, the sadness of not fitting in with others her age, the fact that she needs love and positive attention from her mother instead of ALWAYS correcting her and being on her case in a negative way. I cried, I hugged her and loved her. I reminded her of how beautiful she is and loved she is and that just because I am tough on her I still love her. I hadn’t held her with her holding me back in such a long time. It simply felt good and so sad much at the same time.

It was good in a way that I had forgot my “happy pills” yesterday. I actually felt and loved truly and raw. But also realized if I felt all this every day I would be soooo consumed and exhausted with it.I would have nothing left to give. So, which is better? Pills to cope or no pills and raw emotion?

 

40’s and Friendship…. July 28, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 12:31 pm
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“Find your tribe. Love them hard.”

I have always been comfortable with my age. I have never hated turning a certain decade. Altho at times I lie about it, but that is mostly because I feel younger than I actually am and I am a smart ass by nature.  Is it that I feel younger or just love my age and my life?  Don’t get me wrong, there certainly are days where it is hard to get out of bed and get going…but everyone has those. I sit here with my 30th class reunion a week away…THIRTY YEARS…30…..30. WOW. It does not feel like I have been out of high school for THIRTY YEARS! Where does all that time go and how did we navigate through all of it and make it this far? I think of everything I have been through in 30 years and realize I am lucky. The road was not always easy, in fact there were years that were down right hard. But I believe friendships get you through it.

I have many longtime friends. Family friends since I was a child, high school friends, college friends and friends I have come to know from becoming a mom. Sure, life makes you close and then life takes you away. But you still find your way back and that friendship is as strong as it was in the beginning.

There is this group of us women, some of us don’t talk on a daily or even weekly basis except for Facebook or a text, some of us see each other daily and some of us it could be months…One thing that is constant when we do get together – laughter.

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My tribe.

Last night was a night where we finally ALL got together….our schedules were cleared. Husband and kids were busy. It was just us 40 something year old women giddy to be out and having fun. The noise level at my friends house was incredible from laughter, stories, swearing, popping corks out of wine and just pure joy. We lifted each other up in ways only a girlfriend can do. We talked about serious stuff – death of friends, problems with our children, stress of life, new relationships and then we talked about lighthearted stuff. We discussed things as tho we were teen girls – Hollywood crushes that would be our “freebie” – John Stamos, John Bon Jovi, Robert Downey Jr and Rob Lowe would have blushed at how we discussed them, googled them and giggled like a bunch of teen girls at a sleepover. We discussed our favorite doctors and even a cute OB/GYN some of us have shared. We discussed politics – well mostly laughed about it. We discussed the cons of being older – so many of us yelling “me too!!!!” with issues of body image, stray hairs, grey hairs, lack of/renewed sex drives, sagging parts, wrinkling parts and lipstick vs. chapstick. We all realized we can love our spouse and children more than anything in the world and still be able to hate them at times too. We are all different body types, boob types, heights, hair color etc but one thing we all have in common is that we are all in our 40’s and we take comfort in who we are and where we are.

This is the age of life that we say this is who we are – take it or leave it. I am not going to change to be something I am not. I don’t have a high power career and I don’t stay home all day either – I don’t make big money and guess what – I am so fine with that. I look to Target for fashion and I am good with that too. I have wrinkles, but that is good – it means I laugh and cry (and love the sun too much). I don’t need to look and act 20 or 30. I am good at 48. I am good because my tribe lifts me up and gives me strength.

We have raised our children together…some grew up together and some new friends. We have the same mom struggles. We aren’t all baseball moms, dance moms, sports moms etc. In fact very few of us have kids in the same groups. Our children range from toddler age up to high school age and older. We have had similar journeys with raising our children. To baptize or not? To circumcise or not? Teach kids about the scary world. How to be safe online…how to talk vs. text within the same walls. How we deal with teen drama. Driving, high school….it just never ends. That is why you need your tribe of friends. They are the ones that get you thru it – with laughter, wine and a listening ear.

These women make me a better mom, wife and all over person. They make me realize it is ok to be loud, quirky, funny, inappropriate, stressed, crazy, and tired. It is ok to enjoy going to bed at 9 pm on a weekend but yet it is also ok to drink and dance past midnight. It is ok to say no. It is ok to make fun of ourselves. It is ok to be saggy and naggy. It is ok to have different opinions, political and religious views. It is ok to get older.

Find your tribe and love them hard!

 

Hope… July 8, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 8:55 am

hope

Hope. Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large.

These past few days have been nothing but sadness and anger over the events in the news. I am mostly a positive person that sees the glass half full. I believe in the good in the world. I give second and third chances. I forgive. I move on. I hope for better things, positive things and peace. But what happens when your Hope Tank is suddenly running low? That ray of light is growing dim?

I have no solutions. I have no perfect words. I have more negative feelings with this world lately. A place I do not like to be.

What I do know is this…I was raised and raise my children with beliefs that seem to be lost in the world right now….

1. EVERYONE should be treated equal. We are all human beings created by God. We are all the same skin no matter our race, color, religious beliefs, sexual preference etc. We are all God’s children no matter what. We are the same.

2. I was taught and teach my children that Police Officers are there to protect us. They are the good guys. Their job is to protect and serve. Do not fear them. Trust them. Call them when you are in trouble. They will protect you. They are our friends.

3. We live in one of the greatest countries! USA. The land of the free. With that comes all kinds of freedoms. One of those is the right to bear arms. I do agree however there needs to be a little bit of change in that area, but overall it is a right we have. A privilege.

4. BE KIND.

So how do we keep HOPE when all of these things we were taught and try and teach our children are all messed up? How do we explain to our children these events over the past couple days? How do we feel safe if we get pulled over? How do we move forward with equality when it is feeling like we are getting more divided? This scares me. It scares me for my children, for their children. We should be moving forward and making this country better for our future, not more divided and violent.

I am finding it hard to HOPE for things to be better, yet the small light in me that screams to stay positive is trying so hard to creep out. I pray for peace, for equality and love. I know that makes me sound like a hippie girl in la la land, but what else can I do but pray for these things and HOPE God can hear me.

 

 

Cowardness and Social Media… July 7, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 9:11 am

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I LOVE social media. I LOVE having my iPhone. I have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat. I am also a 47 year old adult, who is a married mom of teen girls. To me, social media is a way to stay in touch with new and old friends, promote my book and business, share photos and use goofy filters to send funny things to friends. It is a way to communicate quickly and easily. A convenience. But I also know life BEFORE the cell phone, smartphone and all the social media….I know that dates me – I don’t care. While I love the immediacy of a smartphone, I miss the days of good old fashion communication. Intentionally calling a person, talking to face to face to a person and even writing a letter to a person… and the innocent excitement of being on the receiving end of it as well. A time where if you wanted privacy to talk to a boy, you had to stretch that gazillion foot cord out of the kitchen, around the corner and hoped it reached your bedroom. Hanging out with your friends actually talking, doing things and being active WITHOUT a phone glued to your hand. You had to be brave if you wanted to state an opinion, you needed guts to be mean to someone’s face, you were patient waiting to hear from someone because that is all you knew.

Today the world is so different. I am part of a generation whose children know only cell phones and social media. It is a brand new parenting adventure. While technology advances more and more everyday, I think our kids (and us adults as well) forget communication skills, politeness and being decent when our opinions differ. It is easy to hide behind a keyboard and immediately type what you think – especially in the heat of a moment of anger or hurt. It’s easy to leave friends out of things intentionally by not tagging them in a photo. There is a world of bullying that happens as well. Written word through technology lacks tone, feeling and intent. It is so hard to read someone’s attitude and meaning of a comment in black and white type or an emoji.

As a parent with teenage daughters I find myself struggling with how to teach them to be thick skinned, kind and socially appropriate on social media. My daughters are both obsessed with a teen YouTube star. A kid made famous THROUGH social media and the internet. They post pics, change their screen names to reflect his last name etc and get hate posts for it. REALLY?! So different than ripping out endless posters of teen heart throbs from a Tigerbeat magazine and taping to my bedroom wall. My one daughter who struggles socially texted a ‘friend’ asking if she wanted to go to Starbucks sometime. The girl said “sure”. My daughter followed up a few days later with her and this girl responded with “Oh, I was just kidding. Someone grabbed my phone and answered you”. SERIOUSLY? It breaks my heart the lack of emotion, empathy and kindness I see online. How do we as parents teach our kids how to be all those things online while teaching them how to be thick skinned when people don’t agree with them and hide behind a keyboard??

I feel as though I am constantly checking phones and accounts of my daughters…explaining things. It is a full time job. I am also amazed the number of young teen/tween girls making music lipsynced videos that are so inappropriate and have every curse word in the book in them and then broadcasting it on the interwebs for all to see forever. Once its out there…it is out there. I wont even get into sexting, inappropriate photos and videos taken without knowledge of the person in them. It is such a new world as a parent…and a child. SO many parents have no clue about it all (including me at times). SO many kids just get a phone and boom, that’s it. I am NO professional and not a perfect parent. I am sure there are numerous things I don’t see.

How do we navigate through wonderful technology advances in a positive way, yet educate children AND parents about it?  How do we teach the balance for expressing an opinion and standing up for something without hiding BEHIND a keyboard?

I have no answers, but so many concerns. We have so many life classes in schools – how to sew, how to use power tools, how to paint….what about mandatory classes on social media and etiquette? We vote for ipads in schools to keep up with the technology times, yet we don’t educate kids on proper behavior. We can raise great kids with good morals etc but online communication gives them a fake braveness and a shield to hide behind….

 

 

Going home…Braverman style May 2, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 6:56 am

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With the busy schedule the end of the school year brings,  the unsure future of my book constantly weighing on my mind…a fun weekend lies ahead. This weekend my parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary! FIFTY YEARS. We rarely see that in this day and age. In the land of Kardashian marriages and divorces to the wedding of the century based on the details in the party vs. the details in the vows and commitment – it is nice to see that it CAN last.

The Braverman’s of the NBC show Parenthood (that no longer airs) reminds me so much of my family. Loud family get togethers, laughter, family dinners and close relationships describes our family along with the fictional family. Everyone in  my family watched that show when it was on. We laugh and compare ourselves to them…if one kid has a play – we are all there (most of us), when one thing happens – we are on the phone with each other within seconds. We have drama, arguments, misunderstandings but at the end of the day we are a strong resilient family.

This week we are all traveling back to New York. Where we all began…home. Where my parents were born, where us ‘kids’ were born. This will be the first time back there together with all of our families. Who knows when this will happen again. It will be fun to show our children the big old Victorian house on Elm Street where not only we lived, but our parents and our grandparents lived. See our cousins, extended family and close family friends. Most of them they met before when they were tiny, but this time will be more memorable.

To celebrate “Zeek and Camille” or Jack and Nedra’s 50 years of marriage. We return back to the same restaurant they had their wedding reception. In these past 50 years they lost a child, had 3 more, gained a daughter in law and 2 son in laws. Have 6 grandchildren. Been through surgeries, sleep disorder, moving across country away from all our family and friends, hosted numerous Memorial Day parties, trips to the cabin, game nights, “meat cutting” holidays and everyday life.

A fun and memorable weekend is ahead of us!

 

My other baby… May 1, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 9:12 am

book with outline

Over the weekend the news broke and spread like a wildfire through my book community…the publishing company we all used was closing its doors and ceasing all business effective May 31. Our books will be pulled from Amazon. SHOCK. SADNESS. FRUSTRATION. ANGER. So many questions of “What now!?”. So much talk about payouts to the editors, proofreaders, designers. To me, a book writing virgin…it is so overwhelming. I find myself standing still looking in and wondering what to do; what road to take?  Certainly not an unfamiliar journey.

Funny how my book; my little baby, my project that contains my heart and soul is all about becoming a mother and adoption is now homeless. Desperately scrambling to find a good new home. Was our publishing company just a foster home for all of our ‘babies’? Is there a better more permanent family to love and care for my book forever? Perhaps.

I believe in my ‘baby’ and know that she is not ready to call it quits. We have so much left to do. So many scared pregnant girls we can relate to. Infertile couples that need our understanding and families touched by adoption to share our love with.

I refuse to throw in the towel…where we end up is uncertain. I do know this is not the end and we will move on to bigger and better places. A new permanent home that will be so great and so full of opportunity and love.

All of you who have supported me, read my book, bought my book for others, connected with me with your beautiful motherhood stories….THANK YOU!! We maybe out of sight for a while…but never gone.

Again I find myself remembering that when one door closes, another one opens!

 

Gays, Transgenders and oh yeah, pedophiles… April 29, 2016

Filed under: anxiety,family,gay,inclusion,respect,transgender,Uncategorized — jillsy @ 3:26 pm

Let’s have a teachable moment. According to Merriam Webster the following words are described as follows:

Gay: sexually attracted to someone who is the same sex

Transgender: of, relating to, or being a person who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person’s sex at birth

Pedophile: a person who has a sexual interest in children

Inclusive: open to everyone; not limited to certain people

Ignorant: lacking knowledge or information

Bathroom:  room in a public place with a toilet and a sink

Ok, now that you have all the definitions of all the buzz words with public bathrooms, why is there such debate? Only ONE word above affects children being preyed on in bathrooms….PEDOPHILE.

I know people are sick of hearing all the bathroom craziness of Target and other establishments and the regards to transgender. IN MY OPINION, it is ridiculous. The majority of people who use a bathroom at a public store, restaurant or any other establishment other than home, simply HAVE TO PEE. That is it. The majority of people who use the restroom go into a stall and shut the door and do their business. But because a person maybe in all ways identifying as a particular sex with exception to their “plumbing” we assume our children are at harm and going to be assaulted?  That thought  is just asinine (defined as: just stupid and silly).

PEDOPHILES are the ones who prey on children. You can’t recognize them on the street or in the bathrooms, they are sick human beings who find children sexually attractive. THAT is what is sick and disgusting. Teachers, priests, babysitters, relatives and the next door neighbors of children can be pedophiles. Half the time we don’t even know this until perhaps years have passed and an assault has taken place.

People who are gay or transgender are not out to harm our children. Plain and simple: they either find people of the same gender sexually attractive. Transgender just means they are born looking one way but all of who they are identifies another way.

It is not a religious debate, a political debate or even a sexual debate. It is being inclusive and allowing people who are woman (or define their selves as a woman) to pee in a women’s bathroom – and same for men.

Seriously – #PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO PEE…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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