Jillsy's Blog

being a wife…birth mom…adoptive mom….dealing with infertillty & life

An open letter to a fellow Birthmom.  February 10, 2017

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 8:47 am

This is so beautiful. It is written by a birth mom. I was so moved by it…I felt like her. I am her 20+ years later. I want to share it for all the other birth moms young and old. New in the raw, emotional journey or in a good place. Trust your self, feel the emotions, find the place to be happy. Love.

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Dear selfless soul,

Good morning. I woke up this morning happy. I woke up this morning smiling. It hasn’t always been like this; yet today I’m going to embrace it. Embrace this with me please.


I had a dream last night. I was walking on a nice path through the park with my son. I was visiting him. So you could say I was 20 years older than I am now. I must say I look good for being 45. It was a nice day out. He took my hand and told me had a surprise for me. He led me to this spot that was open. You could see the city below us. The sky was clear and flowers were starting to bloom. He held me and told me

“I understand the choices you made mom. I will always love you for being so strong and brave.”

I woke…

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Sweet 16…already? December 27, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 9:35 am

maddie-16

Everyone always says “Enjoy your children, it goes by way too fast”. I think today is the day I fully feel it. My daughter turns 16 today and I cant help but feel so nostalgic. It seems like it was yesterday we were tearing open our envelope to see our first glimpse of this little Korean bundle that made us go from couple to family.

I cannot fully appreciate these amazing 16 years without thinking about a young Korean girl a world away that was also 16 and pregnant. The SAME AGE as her birth child is now. (that in itself is scary!!)  Being a birth mom I can understand how she must feel every year on this day. A confusing ball of emotions – hard to sift thru and process. I wish she could see this to know how beautiful this little baby has turned out to be. She gave us the most precious gift there is. I so hope one day we will meet. A piece of her heart is with our family and it makes me so emotional thinking about it. I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter because of her decision. Her loss filled my void…there are no words to give that feeling justice.

I have learned so much from this daughter of mine…how to be patient, how to let go, how to trust, how to love when you are angry, how to understand what my mom went thru with a teenage daughter (sorry mom!!). I have learned some battles aren’t worth fighting – so I will make a different meal for you – not everyone loves steak, I will let your room be messy to a point because organization is hard for you, I will help you with your laundry, I will let you wear what you want even if I think the other shirt looked better, I will let you make up your own swear words, I will let you have screen time BEFORE homework because I know you need that. I will be your biggest fan and your biggest protector. I will help you succeed in the way that works for YOU. I will love you when we disagree. I will love you when you say you hate me. I will always be your mom before your friend. I will check your phone, your social media stuff and will delete things I find inappropriate. I will not care what others get to do…I am not their mom. I am YOUR mom. I will stay up late when I am dog tired to help you get thru hard homework. I will let you talk non stop about a boy. I will hug you when you want to mad. I will hug you when you are sad. I will be hard on you because I believe in you. I will challenge you because I know you can do it. I will let you fail so you can learn. I will also love you more than anyone else on this planet can…

On this 16th year of your life I wish nothing but happiness for you Madeline Elizabeth…or Maddie as you prefer. You are beautiful, talented, funny, self confident, smart, loving and strong…I have learned so much from you. Always be yourself. Remember, you are a pink Starburst!!!

 

Election over…now what? November 9, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 4:45 pm

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I went to bed last night like millions of people feeling hopeful that we would wake up with news that Hillary would have won…despite the numbers coming in. But instead I woke up feeling ill. Feeling let down and trampled over. I felt as tho the world came crashing down and there I stood in the rubble and fog and wondered “now what?”. I know a lot others felt the same way. It was more than just my candidate not winning, it was the idea that the other guy won. He won no matter what he has done or said or how he has treated people. To be honest I am sure others would have felt the same way in reverse had Hillary won.

My husband voted for Trump. His reasons for voting for him were viable and I respected that. He respected the way I voted. But I sat here this morning in tears trying to explain to him why I was so sickened by the outcome in hopes he could understand it.

I am a chubby white woman. Trump called an average size white woman a fat pig. That doesn’t define me and I know that. But I also know that it is no way to talk to a woman…period. That kind of talk degrades us and gives us all sorts of issues we need to deal with…and it is just mean. How can I tell my daughters body image doesn’t matter when we have a president elect saying a beautiful woman is a “fat pig and is disgusting”.

Being a mother of two Asian girls….American citizen Asian girls…but the way he talks down to people of other races and religions scares me. No my girls can’t get deported. But there are families out there that may get broken up. When you have children from a different country and culture you feel as tho you are protecting them and educating them just a bit differently. Honoring where they came from AND how good our country is.

Being a woman and a mom of two young girls, I want them to have the CHOICE. Not government telling them what can be done to their bodies. A woman that discovers during her pregnancy her baby she dreamed for wont live after its birth should not be made to carry that anguish on til the 9 months are up – that is cruel. If my daughter, God forbid got raped and it resulted in a pregnancy…I would want her to be able to exercise her right to choose. Pro Choice is not the same as Pro Abortion.

Being a mother of a daughter who struggles with learning disorders etc is picked on enough at school and misunderstood. She doesn’t need to see our president elect making fun of children with special needs.

Being a mother of girls, I want them to know they are more than just a great body. NO ONE has the right to treat you like a piece of ass….”grab your pussy” as our president elect has said. Woman need to be treated in a respectful way. No man should ever treat a woman crudely. It disgusts me.

I want my girls to love who they are meant to love. I want them to have the rights an equality to do so. How is loving a person bad – same sex or not. I don’t want someone telling them they have to fit in box A, when every part of their being is box B.

My concerns may be small compared to other reasons you vote for or against someone. But these are things that important to me as I raise two daughters in a world where are still trying to be equal in, treated with respect and dignity and want a role model for kindness and equality. I feel as tho American people are saying all those behaviors of our president elect are ok  and overlooked…and its ok t run a country with that behavior.

I know that Hillary wasn’t the perfect person – who is? But she had composure, class, treated all humans as humans, my girls could look up to a woman leader and know that anything is possible in this big scary world. I know they will see that happen in their lifetime and that gives me hope.

I am saddened and sick today.  But I know nothing can change that. All we have is hope. Hope that Mr. Trump will bring this country together vs. further dividing us. I hope that he can make positive changes that people are looking for. I hope we have a peaceful transition when he takes office. I hope the Democrats and Republicans can work together to keep us a great country. A country we can feel proud about vs. feeling like a laughing stock to the world. Mr. Trump…do not let us down. You have very big shoes to fill.

 

 

 

Angry Momma not Super Fan… October 30, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 10:48 am

momma-bear   This picture is a perfect resemblance of my feelings. This post is not going to be tender and full of sappy emotion…but is going to be raw and truthful. It’s the only way I can truly vent my thoughts and feelings…..So if you are not ready to read something of this contact….abort mission now.

Every home football game our high school has  a section of high school kids called the “Super Fan” section – It is only for the high school kids and they dress a theme every game. I am reminded by my daughter who LOVES to sit there that parents and middle school kids are NOT WELCOMED there. I reassure her every game we go to that worry not, her parents do not even want to sit in the middle of screaming crazy high school kids. We enjoy the end of the stands where adults and other kids sit.

My daughter LOVES to dress the theme and sit there and cheer on the team like every other kid. It gives her a spring in her step and a sparkle in her eye. Not many things do these days. It makes her whole week. She is a tough cookie – every single game she ends up in tears because of jerky kids that don’t understand her. But yet returns there every time because she loves the excitement of being with kids her age and the energy of cheering for the team.

Now, my daughter is one that struggles – socially. She cannot read social cues and cannot reason with social boundaries etc. That is no secret. No matter how many times I go over with her that kids who treat you like crap, are not friends. If kids are mean you walk away and ignore them instead of trying to win an argument with them.  Every game she is treated like crap by these kids. This week she came over to me crying and sobbing because this group of asshole boys were kicking her and hitting her. I know that her lack of social cues comes across to kids as annoying…I get that…more than anyone. But there is NO EXCUSE to treat people this way. We are all different and have things that bug one another. Things that others may not understand. I for one can totally judge a book by its cover to find out later how wrong I was.

As a mother of a child who struggles on a daily basis trying to find a place to fit in and trying to find that one friend who will accept her for who she is, I AM ANGRY. I AM ANGRY! I want every parent to know this crap goes on…teach your children about acceptance and not every kid is the cool kid, the pretty kid, the smart kid. But these kids are human beings that have feelings and just want to be accepted. We need to teach this. Schools need to teach this. Great – make posters, honor national anti bullying month, but EDUCATE our children on struggles other kids may face.

To those “Super Fans” I want to say – You are cruel. You break my daughters heart year after year and yet she comes back and thinks you are a friend. She has more grace than any of you. She is a bigger person and doesn’t even realize it. SHE COMES BACK FOR MORE BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU ARE ACTUALLY HER FRIENDS. She has no idea what a friend is…a real friend. Shame on you. I am sickened by the behavior. That is not being a Super Fan. That is being a Super Jerk…..

 

When are you having kids? October 16, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 10:28 am

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Since time began people have gotten married and started a family. It was just the natural progression in life’s journey. It was ‘just what you did’. Now more and more couples are waiting for various reasons to start a family…careers, age, finances etc. No matter what their reason is….it is NO ONE’S business but theirs.

So often couples get married…the wedding dress is barely off…thank you notes haven’t been written yet and the next sentence out of people’s mouths is “So, when are you going to have kids?”. I used to be guilty of that. But until my wanting kids turned into a blood sweat and tears fight, I started seeing that question as offensive, hurtful and down right rude.

When you ask that question – think about how intrusive it is. You are asking a couple when they are going to start having unprotected sex and create a miracle. How in the world is it anyone’s business besides the couple??? I get it, we all love the idea of a cute new baby…and most of the time you can picture the couple as great parents…still…not our business.

Finances: Having a baby is expensive. Perhaps the couple is scraping and saving just to live and the thought of a child at that point in time is totally off their radar.

Career: Maybe the couple is right in the peak of their career and wanting to succeed in it before starting a family.

Not wanting kids: YES, there are people in the world who do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with that. I know many couples who don’t and they are just as happy. It isn’t a wrong decision, it is their decision.

Infertility: This I know from experience. I spent 7 years with my hubby TRYING to get pregnant. It was hard, emotional and tiring. The last thing you want to hear when you are heart broken that yet another month has gone by with a negative test, is someone asking “When are you two having kids?”.  It’s a knife to the heart. You fill with anger, sadness and feelings of helplessness.

Just a reminder that it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You do not know what that couple is planning, thinking or wanting. It is a private matter that does not involve you in any way.

Be kind and think first. Remember, when a couple does decide to have a child and do get pregnant…they will be shouting it from the rooftops with joy and happiness. Til then, let a couple be.

 

 

Silent Killer… September 30, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 9:39 am

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Depression. We hear that word so much in our lives. One in ten people suffer from depression. Eighty percent who suffer go untreated. Depression isn’t about being sad your pet died…it is a state of mind that can trick you into thinking the only way out to feel better is to not go on.

As a person who has very minor depression/anxiety issues and is on a medication, if I accidentally forget to take it in the morning  – by late afternoon I am an emotional mess. So if I suffer very MILDLY and have meds and can feel that bad by later afternoon….think of a person who suffers severely and goes untreated or doesn’t have the proper treatment??? The thing is people who suffer without diagnosis/help do not realize how depressed they are until it is too late. They are so far depressed that their idea of a good life has been compromised and depression takes over and invites you down this black hole. This black hole looks good and inviting and feels like an easy way to end the pain. Not because they are weak and take an easy way out – but because they have been holding it together and being strong for too long.

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We hear stories of people who suffer and take their own lives. It’s tragic. Then you hear these people say “How selfish of them to do this to their family…to their friends. They took the easy way out”….That comment is just as tragic. They are in such a bad place that THEY BELIEVE people will be happier without them…and that finally that person will be out of pain.

I learned this week that a dear friend of mine went thru just this. He committed suicide. He suffered from depression. It was a shock to say the least. He had a wonderful wife and son and had so many friends. He loved a good time and had a great eye for art and pictures. A talented guy to say the least. To see him, you wouldn’t have a clue. That is the point…so many of us do not know who is in this dark place. So many “If I had only knowns” or “Why didn’t he ask for help?”…because he was already to the bottom of the black hole and found his better place. HIS BETTER PLACE. Damn it.

I am not a professional. I only know what I know, what I experience and what I read. It just makes me want to look at people a little closer, ask them how they are doing. Sometimes “I’m fine” is just a blanket statement. I want anyone who suffers to know that the world is NOT better without you. YOU matter. You CAN feel better.

I will miss you my friend.

“(You should know better)
Dream of better lives the kind which never hates
(You should see why)
Trapped in the state of imaginary grace
(You should know better)
I made a pilgrimage to save this humans race
(You should see why)
Never comprehending the race has long gone bye “ – Modern English

 

 

 

 

My daughter, my hero… September 18, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 8:53 am

supergirlLast night was our high school’s homecoming dance. My daughter went. “Yeah, so did mine” is what most people may think. I didn’t want her to go…in fact I waited til the morning of to fully agreeing to it. She started talking about it before school even started this month. I would put it off by saying “We can talk about it later” or “We’ll see”. Deep down I did not want her going. She asked one kid to go – it was a boy she knew randomly, no connection with. In fact he has been down right rude to her. But SHE had the guts to ask him. He said “sure”. Friends of his snap chatted about it – took pictures etc. Not because they were happy for him, but because they were making fun of him for saying yes. The next day my daughter touched base with him about the dance – he replied by saying “uh, yeah I can’t go with you – I’m gay”… he isn’t gay. He was yanking her chain from the get go. As a mom I wanted to rip his head off. But I didn’t. My daughter says “I’m going anyways” – again I replied with my standard “we’ll see” so I could put it off in hopes she would change her mind and not go.

Yesterday morning I agreed to her going. My gut was yelling “NO!” and my anxiety about the whole thing was still there. We went to Kohls…looked at the 3 choices of dresses that had some shimmer to it (I refused to go to the mall and spend all kinds of money on a dress). We found one that fit and looked good, was on sale and I had my trusty 30% off coupon….we found some cute jewelry and BAM! Done.

Let me back up a little…and explain my reluctance of her going to this dance. She struggles socially. It is no secret, I write and talk about it often. It is something that breaks my heart and makes me so anxious on a daily basis. She has not been invited to a birthday party, a friend’s house, a sleep over or any type social event with kids her age since 6th grade. Even before that I can count on my one hand the number of times she had gone to someone’s house or invited to a party. The kids she calls “friends” at school are kids that tolerate her, let her hang around with them. Not true friends by any stretch. But she doesn’t see that. When nice genuine people do seek her out, her anxiety of a new situation overwhelms her and she says “no thank you”. She would rather be around people that treat her like crap because she knows what to expect vs. a new pleasant experience. As a mother, it breaks my heart to see all this.

But this weekend I saw things differently. Friday night my hubby and I went to the football game. Our first high school game – weird I know. Our girls were mortified that we were going. “You can’t sit by us”, “You can’t sit in the superfan area”, “Don’t embarrass us” – a whole list of rules that WE needed to follow. I broke it to them gently that we were sitting with other GROWN UP friends, had no desire to sit in the hormone drama filled teen area. We did however tease them and say we hoped we would get on the kiss cam. (no, our school does not have one, but sometime they are gullible!). Part way thru the game my daughter comes over to where we are sitting to say hi. She say “I got kicked out of my seat by some jerks” and with a smile says “Just wanted to say hi – I’m going back over” and left us with a skip in her step and a smile on her face. She loves going to the games….She goes by herself – no plan of meeting people. Just goes alone to be part of the fun – no worry in her or anything. Something I couldn’t do…even as a grown up. This somehow made me feel better about her going to the dance.

The night of the dance I helped her get ready. We did her hair, makeup – the whole works. My husband and I changed our anniversary reservation so we could drop her off at the dance and then go out. She looked beautiful. Did she have a date? No. Did she have a certain group of kids she was going with or meeting up with? No. She was going 100% alone and was excited about it. Again something I couldn’t do. We get to the school to drop her off and then head out to celebrate our anniversary after a long tiring stressful week and the school doors locked, it started at 7:30, not 7. Call and cancel our dinner reservation…sit in car and talk about all the kids walking up waiting etc. Finally 7:30 comes…she gets out of the car and walks up to the school excited and face beaming. I have never felt more proud of her. My daughter showed me her strength, courage and determination. She has anxiety issues and SHE… DID… THAT. I look at the pictures I took of her and am in awe of her. She is my hero. She went and had a fun night. I am so proud of her and my heart is full. Of course I wish she knew what a REAL friendship looked and felt like, what it feels like to have a boy like her but for now she is fearless. That will carry her far. I see my beautiful daughter in a different light and wish so much that her peers did. That day will come, I don’t doubt it. For now I am going to hold on to this feeling and hold her extra tight.

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