I think we can all agree that 2020 has been overall a very disturbing and painful year for all types of reasons. Everywhere you go, anytime something new happens or there is disappointment you hear people say “Well, 2020!” I am not however dismissing the beautiful events of this crazy year…births, weddings and for most of us the feeling of relief as a new president was voted in. Those events give us hope….a bit of light in these dark times.
I worry so much about this stupid pandemic…it’s been a good 8+ months with no end in sight. I wear my mask, I social distance and do what I am supposed to do. But then I think “Life is short, I need to be around family and friends”. Yes, we are all tired of it all. It is mentally draining….we need to be around loved ones, we need social interaction, we need hugs, we need human interaction…It is now darker earlier and longer…seasonal depression will kick in for some of us and most likely we will be in a state of shut down again to get this under control…I worry about our mental state after this is behind us. I worry about all those kids that NEED human interaction and social settings to thrive and learn as well as us adults.
I am a person who LOVES to decorate for the seasons…and the holidays. This year was so different…no pep in my step. I LOVE to “fallerize” but took everything in me to hang up my wreath and buy a couple pumpkins….my Halloween and Fall bin never made it up the stairs from the basement. And Christmas…the Martha Stewart in me is nowhere to be found. Put the tree up…a few things. Just….not….feeling it. Ba Humbug.
But what I worry about the most and what brings me the most sadness and anxiety….the holidays. This is the beginning of the holiday season and it’s a daily reminder that my mom isn’t here. Our first season of “joyful holidays” with out her. She passed away 3 days before Mother’s day…that was hard. How do you celebrate your mother, the person who brought you into this world when she just left it? My birthday…the same.
I keep being asked “What do you want for Christmas?” “Do you have a list?” – when really the only thing I want is my mom. Everything else seems so insignificant. Grief has crept in and taken over my holiday spirit. My mind knows it is all part of the process….but every other ounce of my being doesn’t. I want to be able to call my mom and discuss what she bought for the kids…what deal she got…when she is decorating…listening to all the gifts she got for our NY family…what holiday thing she saw on the Today show…Everyday is a struggle. I love Christmas, being with family, sharing traditions and embracing it all…but this year it all just feels like a big task, something I am ‘supposed to do’. Everything has been ‘good enough’ or ‘not this year’. I hate feeling like I am letting people down….but I don’t want to send out cards…I don’t want to bake….I don’t want to shop….I could care less about how pretty my packages are wrapped. Again…GOOD ENOUGH is the holiday motto. While I miss being with people and friends and entertaining this time of year, I don’t have any desire to be with people (plus freakin covid!). I really want to stay home, be cozy and hide. It takes every ounce of energy I have to pull my self out of bed in the morning and get ready for work…then to put on a happy face for 6+ hours a day. I come home so exhausted….not because my job is tiring (God knows there are so many people out there with jobs right now that ARE tiring!!) – I love my job, the people I work with and especially the kids I get to see everyday…but its the mental part of trying to make myself act and feel “normal” that sucks every ounce of energy out of me. Grief and covid….I hate you both so much.
I have friends and family that are also spending their first holiday without someone they love…I feel your awful gut wrenching pain. I know we will get thru it…and next year’s holidays will hurt a tiny tiny bit less…but for now…we grieve, cry, find joy when we can. Common sense knows those we love ARE always with us….but our heart and souls are crying out for them to physically BE with us….
So this year…no holiday cards are being sent out…no cookies to share….presents are so-so…tears are many and hearts are sad. That is all I have this year….Merry “Good Enough” Christmas.
Jill Murphy 
And that is enough this year Jill, you have already done something, you have put out your Christmas Greeting and shared your feelings and reached out to many who no doubt feel some of the same pain. There is another part of Christmas, the waiting the watching and the wonder.You need to sit back and heal, you need to watch, watch those around you, observe the love and actions of those who love you, let the love come to you.DOING is what we know best, always doing, but wisdom tells me you heal from taking a deep breath and letting God lead you day to day and that happy heart will return! We love you