I am tired. Many of us moms are tired. Not just ‘take a nap’ or ‘grab a cup of coffee’ tired…But ‘mentally exhausted’ tired. I always thought maybe it was just me getting older blah blah blah, but as I talk with some of my women friends I realize its all of us. When did being on anxiety medication to survive another day become the norm for so many of us?
I sat down to jot down some notes for this blog before I dove into it and I was overwhelmed with the list of things I wrote down. I just started listing the things as a woman and mom that stress me out and I could still be writing. I do realize every woman is different – every mom is different. I am writing about my feelings and thoughts in hopes that maybe others have same feelings and can feel understood.
CAUTION: This will be a rambling blog – stay with me….
I often joke that I have “too many tabs open”… and my husband frequently answers “Just close some” as if that was the answer all along. It is impossible to close them all. I sit down at night and watch TV – that closes off some of them – I watch and no one is talking to me, I am talking to no one and all I have to worry about in that hour or two is a crappy TV shows until I feel sleepy and head to bed. But once in bed those tabs slowly start popping open. I toss and turn and eventually fall asleep until my alarm goes off and they all pop open at the same time.
SO MANY TABS!
I get up in the morning…drink water (and remember to drink enough water all day) …take meds (shoot – do I need to reorder any Rxs? Do I need to pick any of them up at store and then remember to!)…should I be taking supplements to stay healthy, not ache and keep a healthy gut? I sit down to drink coffee…crap- time to hit shower and get ready for work – wait – I need to remember to eat breakfast – something healthy with protein to get me thru the morning til lunch – oh! Gotta make my lunch for work. Do I follow my Weight Watchers points? Gluten Free? or just throw what I can in my lunch bag? What do I wear that is comfy, cute and slimming – shit I need to lose weight everything is tight. Is my outfit cool enough in case I get a hot flash? Brush my teeth (when is my dentist appointment? Did I schedule my daughters pre op doctor appointment for her dental appointment because she needs to be heavily sedated for hers) – makeup routine – remember to moisturize and sunscreen! Now out the door…shoot forgot my watch that will hound me all day when to stand up – close my rings BLAH BLAH BLAH. Do I have my phone? Oh that’s right – I need to upgrade mine – battery doesn’t last and everyone else in family has upgraded theirs – I don’t want to pay more $$ a month, oh well I can wait.
Go to work – either preschool or the boutique.
Come home exhausted. Do I have a coffee or a nap or both? What are we doing for dinner? I made the menu for the week and got everything to make AB and C this week. I hate meal planning, getting groceries and cooking. I mean I love cooking when I am not tired from the day. Dinner done, kitchen cleaned (hubby does help!!)
Bra off, jammies on, butt on couch and TV on. I really should have walked or exercised today – too damn tired from being on my feet most of the day and talking to 4 year olds (oh yeah – need to get my 20 hours of CE credit done yet!) . Or on my feet at boutique (2nd job). Go to bed and the tabs that open are “too soon to decorate for fall?” “oh I know what I could do with the spare bedroom!!!” my mind will not shut off. Crap – towels are still in the dryer – clothes in washer. It’s only 9:00pm.
Repeat.
Meanwhile while all of this day to day routine happens I am grieving my mom that died 3 years ago. She is the person I could talk to and feel better about all my choices in life, vent to, ask advice and just catch up on the day. It is NOT FAIR that she is gone. Now when I have a busy day and want to call her I am slapped in the face with the reality that she is dead. It takes my breath away and anxiety visits and tears fall. I can’t get over it…I don’t have a mom! When you lose the person who gave you life – your life changes, a light goes out and its then you realize how much you count on her. And if that isn’t bad enough – I also lost 2 mother in laws in the past year. I feel lost without them. They would fill pieces of the void in my heart after losing my mom.
Keeping up with Jones….I look around and see the counter tops that need replacing, cleaning I need to get to, driveway that has needed to be sealed for the past 3 years, deck should be stained, weeds pulled, air ducts and carpets cleaned, water the plants, pick up piles of stuff around the house. I honesty do not care about the newest edition of car or phone – I don’t care that I am not in the fancy neighborhoods, I don’t care that we don’t vacation somewhere worldy every year. I don’t care that we pay too much $ for TV….just want to be able to get the basic stuff done.
*** I know this is a rambling blog – THIS is how my brain works! ***
My children are 20 and 22. In theory we should be empty nesters. Not sure that we ever will be – but are working on it. My 20 year old is on her own – great apartment, wonderful job she loves, and very independent. She has been that way her whole life. I tend not to worry about her because I know she can hold her own. But then I mistake not worrying about her to not doing enough for her. Does she feel slighted? I know she has always stepped up because our 22 year old needed so much attention with her ADHD, NLVD and Anxiety. How does that affect her now? I know she thinks I don’t understand her feelings about it – but I try and let her know I see her and love her.
My 22 year old has above disabilities…She is bright, funny and her emotions are strong and honest. Her non verbal disorder (can’t read non verbal communication) has been the hardest. She often gets left out, misunderstood and struggles with relationships. With that I become a very lonely mom. Unless you have a child that struggles in these areas, you really don’t get it. Constantly reminding that child to do day to day tasks, doctor appointments, social workers, keeping up with paperwork, making sure she is looking for a job. Applying for county help, Social Security help and the mounds of paperwork that all entails. It truly could be a part time job managing it all. It’s hard and tests my patience.
Now, yes…my hubby does help in these areas. He is a very hands on dad. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry. But I hold the “list” in my head of all the to dos. He always is saying “Let me help” but in some areas it feels easier for me to just do it vs. taking time to explain it all to him.
Relationships….oh where to even begin!! I am so mentally exhausted I barely have it in me to keep up in relationships and friendships. Trying to remember all the birthdays, anniversaries etc. I HATE that the most. If I send you a funny meme – that is equivalent to a Hallmark card and fresh baked cookies. I hate that part of light that has dimmed after losing my mom included my creativity and caring for friendships. It makes me so sad.
Adoption – that is another topic. I am blessed to be in reunion and have wonderful relationship with my son and his family – but still have so many unresolved feelings that go a long with that. I worry about my girls who are adopted and wonder if they feel a full heart or if something is missing?
And if this all isn’t enough – let us look at our world – it’s sad and hurtful. People are mean, impatient and feel entitled. Why? We are human beings. We can have different opinions, thoughts and beliefs and coexist with one another. And on the flip side is social media showing the beauty or fake beauty of life only. That makes one feel not good enough – striving for the unattainable. We all post our good pics of ourselves and our relationships – but the world needs to know that EVERYONE has ugly mornings, bad choices, fights with their spouses. That some of us struggle mentally, have breakdowns in the shower, we can’t handle work, home, kids and still be true to ourselves. Selfcare might mean staying in pajamas all day and eating crap…not answering a phone call…putting your phone away because text threads drive you CRAZY.
I don’t know what the answer is…how do I live my best life when the daily grind is slowly killing me? Yes, no doubt I need a therapist….but that seems daunting…finding one in my network, one I will connect with and not have to pay an arm and a leg to afford.
I know that God gives us what we can handle. And everyone has a full plate and we just all have different plates…mine feels like a flimsy dollar store white ruffle edge 1 ply plate carrying a pan of lasagna.
Jill Murphy 