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Angry Momma not Super Fan…

momma-bear   This picture is a perfect resemblance of my feelings. This post is not going to be tender and full of sappy emotion…but is going to be raw and truthful. It’s the only way I can truly vent my thoughts and feelings…..So if you are not ready to read something of this contact….abort mission now.

Every home football game our high school has  a section of high school kids called the “Super Fan” section – It is only for the high school kids and they dress a theme every game. I am reminded by my daughter who LOVES to sit there that parents and middle school kids are NOT WELCOMED there. I reassure her every game we go to that worry not, her parents do not even want to sit in the middle of screaming crazy high school kids. We enjoy the end of the stands where adults and other kids sit.

My daughter LOVES to dress the theme and sit there and cheer on the team like every other kid. It gives her a spring in her step and a sparkle in her eye. Not many things do these days. It makes her whole week. She is a tough cookie – every single game she ends up in tears because of jerky kids that don’t understand her. But yet returns there every time because she loves the excitement of being with kids her age and the energy of cheering for the team.

Now, my daughter is one that struggles – socially. She cannot read social cues and cannot reason with social boundaries etc. That is no secret. No matter how many times I go over with her that kids who treat you like crap, are not friends. If kids are mean you walk away and ignore them instead of trying to win an argument with them.  Every game she is treated like crap by these kids. This week she came over to me crying and sobbing because this group of asshole boys were kicking her and hitting her. I know that her lack of social cues comes across to kids as annoying…I get that…more than anyone. But there is NO EXCUSE to treat people this way. We are all different and have things that bug one another. Things that others may not understand. I for one can totally judge a book by its cover to find out later how wrong I was.

As a mother of a child who struggles on a daily basis trying to find a place to fit in and trying to find that one friend who will accept her for who she is, I AM ANGRY. I AM ANGRY! I want every parent to know this crap goes on…teach your children about acceptance and not every kid is the cool kid, the pretty kid, the smart kid. But these kids are human beings that have feelings and just want to be accepted. We need to teach this. Schools need to teach this. Great – make posters, honor national anti bullying month, but EDUCATE our children on struggles other kids may face.

To those “Super Fans” I want to say – You are cruel. You break my daughters heart year after year and yet she comes back and thinks you are a friend. She has more grace than any of you. She is a bigger person and doesn’t even realize it. SHE COMES BACK FOR MORE BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU ARE ACTUALLY HER FRIENDS. She has no idea what a friend is…a real friend. Shame on you. I am sickened by the behavior. That is not being a Super Fan. That is being a Super Jerk…..

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When are you having kids?

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Since time began people have gotten married and started a family. It was just the natural progression in life’s journey. It was ‘just what you did’. Now more and more couples are waiting for various reasons to start a family…careers, age, finances etc. No matter what their reason is….it is NO ONE’S business but theirs.

So often couples get married…the wedding dress is barely off…thank you notes haven’t been written yet and the next sentence out of people’s mouths is “So, when are you going to have kids?”. I used to be guilty of that. But until my wanting kids turned into a blood sweat and tears fight, I started seeing that question as offensive, hurtful and down right rude.

When you ask that question – think about how intrusive it is. You are asking a couple when they are going to start having unprotected sex and create a miracle. How in the world is it anyone’s business besides the couple??? I get it, we all love the idea of a cute new baby…and most of the time you can picture the couple as great parents…still…not our business.

Finances: Having a baby is expensive. Perhaps the couple is scraping and saving just to live and the thought of a child at that point in time is totally off their radar.

Career: Maybe the couple is right in the peak of their career and wanting to succeed in it before starting a family.

Not wanting kids: YES, there are people in the world who do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with that. I know many couples who don’t and they are just as happy. It isn’t a wrong decision, it is their decision.

Infertility: This I know from experience. I spent 7 years with my hubby TRYING to get pregnant. It was hard, emotional and tiring. The last thing you want to hear when you are heart broken that yet another month has gone by with a negative test, is someone asking “When are you two having kids?”.  It’s a knife to the heart. You fill with anger, sadness and feelings of helplessness.

Just a reminder that it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You do not know what that couple is planning, thinking or wanting. It is a private matter that does not involve you in any way.

Be kind and think first. Remember, when a couple does decide to have a child and do get pregnant…they will be shouting it from the rooftops with joy and happiness. Til then, let a couple be.

 

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Silent Killer…

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Depression. We hear that word so much in our lives. One in ten people suffer from depression. Eighty percent who suffer go untreated. Depression isn’t about being sad your pet died…it is a state of mind that can trick you into thinking the only way out to feel better is to not go on.

As a person who has very minor depression/anxiety issues and is on a medication, if I accidentally forget to take it in the morning  – by late afternoon I am an emotional mess. So if I suffer very MILDLY and have meds and can feel that bad by later afternoon….think of a person who suffers severely and goes untreated or doesn’t have the proper treatment??? The thing is people who suffer without diagnosis/help do not realize how depressed they are until it is too late. They are so far depressed that their idea of a good life has been compromised and depression takes over and invites you down this black hole. This black hole looks good and inviting and feels like an easy way to end the pain. Not because they are weak and take an easy way out – but because they have been holding it together and being strong for too long.

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We hear stories of people who suffer and take their own lives. It’s tragic. Then you hear these people say “How selfish of them to do this to their family…to their friends. They took the easy way out”….That comment is just as tragic. They are in such a bad place that THEY BELIEVE people will be happier without them…and that finally that person will be out of pain.

I learned this week that a dear friend of mine went thru just this. He committed suicide. He suffered from depression. It was a shock to say the least. He had a wonderful wife and son and had so many friends. He loved a good time and had a great eye for art and pictures. A talented guy to say the least. To see him, you wouldn’t have a clue. That is the point…so many of us do not know who is in this dark place. So many “If I had only knowns” or “Why didn’t he ask for help?”…because he was already to the bottom of the black hole and found his better place. HIS BETTER PLACE. Damn it.

I am not a professional. I only know what I know, what I experience and what I read. It just makes me want to look at people a little closer, ask them how they are doing. Sometimes “I’m fine” is just a blanket statement. I want anyone who suffers to know that the world is NOT better without you. YOU matter. You CAN feel better.

I will miss you my friend.

“(You should know better)
Dream of better lives the kind which never hates
(You should see why)
Trapped in the state of imaginary grace
(You should know better)
I made a pilgrimage to save this humans race
(You should see why)
Never comprehending the race has long gone bye “ – Modern English

 

 

 

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My daughter, my hero…

supergirlLast night was our high school’s homecoming dance. My daughter went. “Yeah, so did mine” is what most people may think. I didn’t want her to go…in fact I waited til the morning of to fully agreeing to it. She started talking about it before school even started this month. I would put it off by saying “We can talk about it later” or “We’ll see”. Deep down I did not want her going. She asked one kid to go – it was a boy she knew randomly, no connection with. In fact he has been down right rude to her. But SHE had the guts to ask him. He said “sure”. Friends of his snap chatted about it – took pictures etc. Not because they were happy for him, but because they were making fun of him for saying yes. The next day my daughter touched base with him about the dance – he replied by saying “uh, yeah I can’t go with you – I’m gay”… he isn’t gay. He was yanking her chain from the get go. As a mom I wanted to rip his head off. But I didn’t. My daughter says “I’m going anyways” – again I replied with my standard “we’ll see” so I could put it off in hopes she would change her mind and not go.

Yesterday morning I agreed to her going. My gut was yelling “NO!” and my anxiety about the whole thing was still there. We went to Kohls…looked at the 3 choices of dresses that had some shimmer to it (I refused to go to the mall and spend all kinds of money on a dress). We found one that fit and looked good, was on sale and I had my trusty 30% off coupon….we found some cute jewelry and BAM! Done.

Let me back up a little…and explain my reluctance of her going to this dance. She struggles socially. It is no secret, I write and talk about it often. It is something that breaks my heart and makes me so anxious on a daily basis. She has not been invited to a birthday party, a friend’s house, a sleep over or any type social event with kids her age since 6th grade. Even before that I can count on my one hand the number of times she had gone to someone’s house or invited to a party. The kids she calls “friends” at school are kids that tolerate her, let her hang around with them. Not true friends by any stretch. But she doesn’t see that. When nice genuine people do seek her out, her anxiety of a new situation overwhelms her and she says “no thank you”. She would rather be around people that treat her like crap because she knows what to expect vs. a new pleasant experience. As a mother, it breaks my heart to see all this.

But this weekend I saw things differently. Friday night my hubby and I went to the football game. Our first high school game – weird I know. Our girls were mortified that we were going. “You can’t sit by us”, “You can’t sit in the superfan area”, “Don’t embarrass us” – a whole list of rules that WE needed to follow. I broke it to them gently that we were sitting with other GROWN UP friends, had no desire to sit in the hormone drama filled teen area. We did however tease them and say we hoped we would get on the kiss cam. (no, our school does not have one, but sometime they are gullible!). Part way thru the game my daughter comes over to where we are sitting to say hi. She say “I got kicked out of my seat by some jerks” and with a smile says “Just wanted to say hi – I’m going back over” and left us with a skip in her step and a smile on her face. She loves going to the games….She goes by herself – no plan of meeting people. Just goes alone to be part of the fun – no worry in her or anything. Something I couldn’t do…even as a grown up. This somehow made me feel better about her going to the dance.

The night of the dance I helped her get ready. We did her hair, makeup – the whole works. My husband and I changed our anniversary reservation so we could drop her off at the dance and then go out. She looked beautiful. Did she have a date? No. Did she have a certain group of kids she was going with or meeting up with? No. She was going 100% alone and was excited about it. Again something I couldn’t do. We get to the school to drop her off and then head out to celebrate our anniversary after a long tiring stressful week and the school doors locked, it started at 7:30, not 7. Call and cancel our dinner reservation…sit in car and talk about all the kids walking up waiting etc. Finally 7:30 comes…she gets out of the car and walks up to the school excited and face beaming. I have never felt more proud of her. My daughter showed me her strength, courage and determination. She has anxiety issues and SHE… DID… THAT. I look at the pictures I took of her and am in awe of her. She is my hero. She went and had a fun night. I am so proud of her and my heart is full. Of course I wish she knew what a REAL friendship looked and felt like, what it feels like to have a boy like her but for now she is fearless. That will carry her far. I see my beautiful daughter in a different light and wish so much that her peers did. That day will come, I don’t doubt it. For now I am going to hold on to this feeling and hold her extra tight.

moo-and-me

 

 

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Feel or Cope?

meds   Which is better…..to feel your feelings 100% or to cover them so you can deal with the situations that make you feel? It is no secret that I am on anxiety medicine. I need it to deal with life. Without it I grind my teeth, clench my jaw, lose sleep, have headaches and worry about stuff I can not control.

Yesterday I forgot to take my medicine in the hurry to pack up and take my kids to the waterpark. By the time we returned home I was a wreck. It was as tho someone broke the dam of feelings and they overflowed. I felt anger, hurt, shame, inadequacy as a mom, mentally exhausted and no patience. Sure we all feel that way time to time, but this was different. My heart broke along with the dam of feelings. I have blogged before, many times about my daughter and her struggles. It was a normal day for her, but for me I saw it differently and more emotionally vs. matter of fact. I woke this morning wondering which is better?

My medicine helps me be strong and patient…something I NEED as a mother with a daughter who struggles with school, social situations, friendships, not being able to learn from past mistakes and being a teen girl on top of that. Her Non Verbal Disorder is so much harder for her which results in hard times for me and hard times for our family. We do have good days – really good days. But we also have days that seem unending…fights, impulsive behavior, fights and social inappropriatenss.

I saw my daughter and her struggles differently yesterday…I saw it thru my feelings vs. my coping skills. I was heartbroken at the behavior she can’t control, the sadness of not fitting in with others her age, the fact that she needs love and positive attention from her mother instead of ALWAYS correcting her and being on her case in a negative way. I cried, I hugged her and loved her. I reminded her of how beautiful she is and loved she is and that just because I am tough on her I still love her. I hadn’t held her with her holding me back in such a long time. It simply felt good and so sad much at the same time.

It was good in a way that I had forgot my “happy pills” yesterday. I actually felt and loved truly and raw. But also realized if I felt all this every day I would be soooo consumed and exhausted with it.I would have nothing left to give. So, which is better? Pills to cope or no pills and raw emotion?

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40’s and Friendship….

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“Find your tribe. Love them hard.”

I have always been comfortable with my age. I have never hated turning a certain decade. Altho at times I lie about it, but that is mostly because I feel younger than I actually am and I am a smart ass by nature.  Is it that I feel younger or just love my age and my life?  Don’t get me wrong, there certainly are days where it is hard to get out of bed and get going…but everyone has those. I sit here with my 30th class reunion a week away…THIRTY YEARS…30…..30. WOW. It does not feel like I have been out of high school for THIRTY YEARS! Where does all that time go and how did we navigate through all of it and make it this far? I think of everything I have been through in 30 years and realize I am lucky. The road was not always easy, in fact there were years that were down right hard. But I believe friendships get you through it.

I have many longtime friends. Family friends since I was a child, high school friends, college friends and friends I have come to know from becoming a mom. Sure, life makes you close and then life takes you away. But you still find your way back and that friendship is as strong as it was in the beginning.

There is this group of us women, some of us don’t talk on a daily or even weekly basis except for Facebook or a text, some of us see each other daily and some of us it could be months…One thing that is constant when we do get together – laughter.

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My tribe.

Last night was a night where we finally ALL got together….our schedules were cleared. Husband and kids were busy. It was just us 40 something year old women giddy to be out and having fun. The noise level at my friends house was incredible from laughter, stories, swearing, popping corks out of wine and just pure joy. We lifted each other up in ways only a girlfriend can do. We talked about serious stuff – death of friends, problems with our children, stress of life, new relationships and then we talked about lighthearted stuff. We discussed things as tho we were teen girls – Hollywood crushes that would be our “freebie” – John Stamos, John Bon Jovi, Robert Downey Jr and Rob Lowe would have blushed at how we discussed them, googled them and giggled like a bunch of teen girls at a sleepover. We discussed our favorite doctors and even a cute OB/GYN some of us have shared. We discussed politics – well mostly laughed about it. We discussed the cons of being older – so many of us yelling “me too!!!!” with issues of body image, stray hairs, grey hairs, lack of/renewed sex drives, sagging parts, wrinkling parts and lipstick vs. chapstick. We all realized we can love our spouse and children more than anything in the world and still be able to hate them at times too. We are all different body types, boob types, heights, hair color etc but one thing we all have in common is that we are all in our 40’s and we take comfort in who we are and where we are.

This is the age of life that we say this is who we are – take it or leave it. I am not going to change to be something I am not. I don’t have a high power career and I don’t stay home all day either – I don’t make big money and guess what – I am so fine with that. I look to Target for fashion and I am good with that too. I have wrinkles, but that is good – it means I laugh and cry (and love the sun too much). I don’t need to look and act 20 or 30. I am good at 48. I am good because my tribe lifts me up and gives me strength.

We have raised our children together…some grew up together and some new friends. We have the same mom struggles. We aren’t all baseball moms, dance moms, sports moms etc. In fact very few of us have kids in the same groups. Our children range from toddler age up to high school age and older. We have had similar journeys with raising our children. To baptize or not? To circumcise or not? Teach kids about the scary world. How to be safe online…how to talk vs. text within the same walls. How we deal with teen drama. Driving, high school….it just never ends. That is why you need your tribe of friends. They are the ones that get you thru it – with laughter, wine and a listening ear.

These women make me a better mom, wife and all over person. They make me realize it is ok to be loud, quirky, funny, inappropriate, stressed, crazy, and tired. It is ok to enjoy going to bed at 9 pm on a weekend but yet it is also ok to drink and dance past midnight. It is ok to say no. It is ok to make fun of ourselves. It is ok to be saggy and naggy. It is ok to have different opinions, political and religious views. It is ok to get older.

Find your tribe and love them hard!

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Hope…

hope

Hope. Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large.

These past few days have been nothing but sadness and anger over the events in the news. I am mostly a positive person that sees the glass half full. I believe in the good in the world. I give second and third chances. I forgive. I move on. I hope for better things, positive things and peace. But what happens when your Hope Tank is suddenly running low? That ray of light is growing dim?

I have no solutions. I have no perfect words. I have more negative feelings with this world lately. A place I do not like to be.

What I do know is this…I was raised and raise my children with beliefs that seem to be lost in the world right now….

1. EVERYONE should be treated equal. We are all human beings created by God. We are all the same skin no matter our race, color, religious beliefs, sexual preference etc. We are all God’s children no matter what. We are the same.

2. I was taught and teach my children that Police Officers are there to protect us. They are the good guys. Their job is to protect and serve. Do not fear them. Trust them. Call them when you are in trouble. They will protect you. They are our friends.

3. We live in one of the greatest countries! USA. The land of the free. With that comes all kinds of freedoms. One of those is the right to bear arms. I do agree however there needs to be a little bit of change in that area, but overall it is a right we have. A privilege.

4. BE KIND.

So how do we keep HOPE when all of these things we were taught and try and teach our children are all messed up? How do we explain to our children these events over the past couple days? How do we feel safe if we get pulled over? How do we move forward with equality when it is feeling like we are getting more divided? This scares me. It scares me for my children, for their children. We should be moving forward and making this country better for our future, not more divided and violent.

I am finding it hard to HOPE for things to be better, yet the small light in me that screams to stay positive is trying so hard to creep out. I pray for peace, for equality and love. I know that makes me sound like a hippie girl in la la land, but what else can I do but pray for these things and HOPE God can hear me.