First of all, Happy New Year! A new year, fresh start and a chance to reinvent. Like many people, I love the thought of having a word for the year. Here it is the middle of January and I am finally settling on one. I have been racking my brain and keep coming back to the same word….me. I had so many other words…happiness, calm, no, self care, intentional, future….but kept coming back to “ME”…
I didn’t choose this word out of selfishness, but out of need. The need to take care of myself….not just a massage, a vacation or a day off….but to really dig deep and see what I need to feel whole again. I think many women can relate to this – we spend so much of our time taking care of our children, being present with our spouses, keeping up with friendships, working, running a household, drink enough water, eat better, exercise, meal plan…the list goes on and on. Then add in all the circumstances that make the run of the mill – day to day stuff extra hard: child that has extra needs, 3 years of a pandemic, losing a parent, anxiety, depression……blah blah blah – the list could go on and on. You wake up one day and wonder “Where did I go?”.
The old age expression “You can’t fill from an empty cup” rings so true with me. How on earth can I take care of other things and people in life if I am drained, empty and tired. I go thru the actions day to day but am not feeling anything. It becomes one big meaningless chore vs. living and enjoying life. I want to intentionally make choices that benefit me this year and in return, others will benefit. I want to live with intent. I want to do less things but do them with intent and purpose vs. do a million things half ass without feeling like going thru the emotions.
It’s funny, I love social media. I love scrolling thru Facebook, Instagram etc etc…but I am finding way less joy in it. I am finding myself blocking more people than not. It’s become, or maybe always has been a space of keeping up with the Joneses, selfies with the perfect filter so people don’t see our true selves, political rants, anger, hate and fighting. I love social media for staying in touch with long lost friends that are miles away, seeing people’s kids grow, new pets, funny memes and quotes or stories that move me. So many people are quick to post anything and everything…I can be that way too…but I want less of device/photo/post and more of living in the moment. That I guess would be one of my resolutions….
“NO!” – I need to say it and mean it more. Life is short. Do things that bring you joy…don’t do things because you feel like you need to or because you will feel guilty not doing it. Guilt is a choice. If you don’t want to spend time with people or do things that drain your joy…don’t. It’s hard to do, but yet so freeing when you get comfortable making that choice. Obviously, we all have things we need to do that aren’t pleasant – cleaning laundry etc. – I am talking about the things, people or places that you say yes to and then feel like “Why did I agree to that?” and feel exhausted because of it.
“YES!” – I need to also say this more… to things that get me outside of my comfort level. Things I always say “someday” about. I think after the “pandemic” so many of us got caught up in being at home and it was easy to not do things because we “feared” going out. How is that living? I read somewhere that every week or month do something you always wanted to and something that scares you….for example, try a new restaurant or new food – and maybe start a new hobby…something that scares you – do something that really taps into your vulnerability…something that you never in a million years would dare to do!
I don’t know if it’s my age, the last few years of dealing with pandemic crap, losing my mother suddenly, my anxiety, depression or just what – (maybe a combination of all of it!!!) – but I am finding that I need to take care of me, myself and I – and not apologize for it. I feel that the past few years have built a wall around me – this wall protects my heart. It’s a wall that keeps me from showing pure emotion and being vulnerable to those emotions. I end up deflecting to humor because it’s easier – but not helpful. I need to get that wall down so I can be feel happy, rested and content. I want to give my relationships more attention, I want to do things that make me laugh til my stomach hurts, I want to cry over a story that touches my soul, I want to live. I want this year to be about healing and taking care of ME.
So raise a dirty glass, with 2 week old champagne and toast the New Year!
Jill Murphy 