Jillsy's Blog

being a wife…birth mom…adoptive mom….dealing with infertillty & life

The Lingo Ate My Baby…. August 4, 2015

  It is funny how the choice of words people use can make a huge difference in what they say or ask. I have been humored, hurt and angered by the the wording and questions people to choose to use.  All along this journey of teen pregnancy, infertility and adoption, I have come to realize language and the way we comment, ask and label situations is so important. Some people really have no idea that what they are saying is hurtful or even not politically correct. I would like to address some of these.

Lets talk teen pregnancy, shall we? When you learn of a teen (or even a young girl surprised with pregnancy) do not say “oh. eeh. geez. wow. what are you going to do!?” with a face that looks like you just ate something terrible. A young girl is already scared and feeling as tho they did something wrong and let down people. You do not need to be one of them. A simple “You are? Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?” or a simple “I’m here for you” is plenty. A hug doesn’t hurt either! If this girl chooses to keep the baby after weighing options and thinking it over, then be supportive – offer advice or even resources that can help. Don’t be “You ARE?! You are so young! It is hard work – blah blah blah”.  If she chooses adoption for her baby, the words “gave up” “giving up” are not favorable. It is not an old out of date sweater that is going to Goodwill. It is not chocolate they are giving up for lent. It is a young human being that is loved and the choice to choose adoption was carefully decided. You mourn the loss and are equally happy for the couple that will be this child’s family. It is a very emotional time. the comment “Oh, you’ll be fine! You will have other children when the time is right.” is NOT OK. You can’t replace that baby. It is a part of you that will always be.

Ok, let’s talk infertility, shall we? I remember when Mike and I were trying to conceive, it seemed as tho EVERYONE around us was getting pregnant. People would ask all the time “When are you two going to have kids?” Little did they know we were trying and failing. (wait, let me clarify….we knew HOW, just those pesky sperm and eggs didn’t want to do their part).

* insert sound affect: Needle screech across a record album……WAIT! Let’s back up a bit. After people get married, not all of them WANT to have kids and a family. So why assume they do. When you think about the question “So when are you two going to have kids?”… you are asking quite a personal question that really is none of your business!

Ok…back to infertility… our first doctor we saw after months of trying said “Ah, relax! Light some candles…it will happen”. Gee, ok. We never thought of that one. (eye roll) Then we moved onto charting my temp EVERY morning, Mike getting his sperm tested, getting shots, taking pills and having mandatory sex. Let me just tell you – sex on command is not as great as some of you think. Sure we would giggle and laugh at first. The thought of a literal nooner was hysterical. But 6 years later…there was no laughing. So when a couple is going through all that and crying every month when the test comes back negative… a person asking “When are you two going to have kids?”  may get a punch to the throat – so don’t be surprised by it! Especially once we found out I was the problem and couldn’t get pregnant. I actually had people ask me “So are you going to find the baby you put up for adoption?” …to those people I say “Are you on drugs!?!?” Because why on earth would I disrupt a plan that I carefully chose and had a hard time coming to terms with? Not to mention being so selfish to disrupt a young child’s life because of something I couldn’t have.

If you do know a couple is struggling, always asking how it is going is really just a reminder of how long and painful their journey is. Remember, that the couple is different from your aunt’s niece’s friend who went through infertility…Trust me, WHEN there is news to share, that couple will be the ones screaming it from the rooftops, skywriting it and will be so excited to share the news. It is their news to share… not your question to be answered.

Adoption. This area of conversation has SO MANY things to address. Grab a cup of coffee, have a seat and let’s educate! First thing right out of the gate when we told people we were adopting was “Oh, you’ll get pregnant now for sure!!” To these people asking I say “No, we have medical proof we wont and I am not the Virgin Mary” and “We closed that painful door we struggled with for 6 years, made some closure and moved forward by opening the door labeled ADOPTION – why would you rip the band aid off that wound we are finally healing from!?”

We chose to adopt from South Korea. (That means they are ASIAN, not oriental. Oriental is a type of rug people!!) We didn’t need our child to look like us. To us, that was not important. To some it is. But we would get comments like “Oh. why wouldn’t you adopt from here and then your child might look like you?” During the process people would comment/ask “I heard it is expensive! How much does it cost!?!?”  – first off all, adoption fees are usually on a sliding fee. So it is different for everyone. And, WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?! That is just a rude question…period. Unless of course you are asking because you too are thinking about adoption and want advice.

This is a good one too. Once we had our daughter – who again was Korean – 5 months old. People would constantly ask “Will she speak English?” Ok, let’s stop and think about this. A.) She doesn’t even speak yet and B.) We know maybe 2 words in Korean.  We would also get “Is she adopted?” Well, first off all I do not walk up to a mother in Target an just randomly ask “Did you give birth to your son?” – I must say tho – 90% of the people asking that particular question were adopting or had an immediate family member or friend that was. So we had an immediate connection about it. But remember, still a strange question to ask.

Oh here is a good one!! Once we adopted our second daughter we would get the age ol’ favorite question “Are they sisters!?”…. Let’s step back and look at this. I am at Target (yes I do shop there a lot) and I approach a mom with two boys (or girls) and just randomly ask “Are they brothers?”… the mom would probably look at me and slowly say “ummm, yeah?!” – and stare at me like why on earth are you asking. Ok, back to me now. When people ask this question I know what they want to know is: Are they birth sisters? I get it. But again, why is it someone’s business? And to our family and to each other…YES they are sisters.

“Will they ever find their REAL moms?” – I assume people mean their BIRTH mothers. We are both REAL moms. One of us gave birth and one of us raised and loved unconditionally. Maybe someday my girls will want to meet their birth mother and make the emotional journey and I will beside them sharing all the beauty of it with them.

“They are so lucky you saved and adopted them” – um, no. We are the lucky ones. They made our family whole. WE decided on adoption because WE wanted children and WE wanted a family. We are not fostering a hurt and sick animal here.

The bottom line with all of this is, be mindful of the comments and questions you ask. Be educated on the language and terms you use. You don’t always know what people are going through.

 

Teen Moms… May 2, 2014

Filed under: Adoption,birth mom,family,mom,teen pregnancy,Uncategorized — jillsy @ 7:11 am

Teen Pregnancy  When you discover your pregnant, you should be excited! You share the news with your significant other and family. There are baby showers, gifts, decorating a nursery and waiting with anticipation for that glorious moment when you hear your child’s first cry. The first cry that says “I’m here!” – you are my momma! Unless you are 17 and its the very last thing you planned on. I never got to experience the excitement of being pregnant, just the unexpected, scared and unknown of it all.  I was that scared 17 year old. I am now a 45 year old woman with a birth son who is almost 27 that I met 4 years ago and two young daughters just entering the teen years… who are adopted. I love all my children beyond words.

I think of my daughters and someday they will have boyfriends. I want to say “Don’t have sex until your married!!” – but we all know the reality of it all. I will say “Don’t have sex until you are old enough to understand the magnitude of it all – make sure you are in love and it is with the person you want your life to be with”. It is not an act to become popular, to make a boy like you more or even to prove you are someone you are not. It’s not just something you do because everyone else is doing it – it doesn’t mean anything or it’s no big deal. Even using birth control of any sort doesn’t guarantee you will not get pregnant.

I was fortunate – in that my parents were there for me. They helped me with important decisions. They didn’t shun me, kick me to the curb or make me feel shamed. Were they thrilled their 17 year old daughter was pregnant? absolutely not. It was something that we went through and got through. It was life changing and emotional. Many emotions that I am experiencing NOW 27 years later. Because the “plan” I had knowing my son would have a better life with a couple that was READY to be parents got me through it. I knew that he would be loved, taken care of and given everything he needed – everything I wasn’t capable of at 17. Knowing my decision made sense and that my love for him would give him a better life, I was able to cope emotionally.

Some young girls are not so lucky. I am currently reading a book now about woman back in the late 50’s and 60’s that we shunned, sent away and were told there was NO OTHER CHOICE but to relinquish their rights to their child. No one talked about it. You were considered a “bad girl” or “used merchandise” – who on earth would want to marry a girl that had a baby out of wedlock. Thank God times have changed. But have they changed too much?? Now you can watch a show on MTV called Teen Moms…REALLY!?!?!?  A show that glamorizes it all – they get paid to show their loves on TV – get covers to magazines ??? Don’t get me wrong, some young woman (and men) choose to keep their babies at young ages and it works out – they DO survive and have a wonderful life – my son had that with his father and his father’s wife…my child’s mother.  But most teens do not.They have no job, quit school or rely on the grandparents to take care of the child. They struggle.

I want to say to teens that find themselves in this position that they have choices. That your child’s needs are so much more important that your wants. For some it is hard to understand that. But I am here to tell you, yes it is hard to go thru. You feel alone, scared and like your life may be over. There is always someone that WILL support you, help you and guide you. My hope that it is your family like I had. If it isn’t, then find someone who it is. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

To parents….No parent wants to learn their teenage daughter is pregnant. You bring up your child with love, morals, faith and it can still happen. Do you want to have a pregnant teen? Of course not….but if you do…you need to put your feelings aside and BE THERE. Again – putting the needs of your child first so they can do that for their child. Be the support they need – find them a doctor, a counselor and be the support they need – the love and support you promised to give then when you had them. Parents – it is ok to feel disappointed, scared and upset…but BE THERE for them…help them.

To the young teens that it worked out for to keep your baby and you could give it all that he/she may have needed – I am envious and proud of you for doing it. It… is…hard. My son’s father did that. At the time I thought my plan was so much better for him. But he grew up to be this amazing young man with parents who did give him what I couldn’t. they are my heroes – as corny as that sounds… I admire them, I respect them and I also feel saddened that I thought my plan was better. I believe that they raised him to be a loving forgiving person – which allows him and I to have a relationship now in life.