Today is Mother’s Day. I sit here trying to put into words how I feel – I struggle with just how to feel and react. I often feel a bit of grief on Mother’s Day – being a birth mom you feel that grief of loss to the child you gave birth to. As an adoptive mom you feel the sadness that your children’s birth mom’s must feel. And wonder if my girls feel the loss of their birth moms… With great love comes great loss. While I feel fortunate to have a relationship with my birth son and I feel lucky to have my two beautiful daughters…I didn’t buy a card or a gift this year for my mom. I couldn’t call her this morning and wish her Happy Mother’s Day. My stomach has pit in it and my heart has a piece missing. My mom isn’t here this year. Exactly one month ago today my mom received news that would change our lives. She was diagnosed with cancer and it had already spread from her lung lining to her ribs and spine. Four days ago she passed away. In less than a months time I received the devastating news of her diagnosis, watched her change overnight, and along with my brother and sister took care of her until the end. I remember talking to her a week or so after her diagnosis – we laughed, cried it was a normal kind of day. She was doing so well…then in a quick 24 hours she started to change and enter into those last couple weeks. Her pain was so great that we couldn’t even hug her. It all went so fast. My family didn’t even have time to process the diagnosis, let a lone having to say good bye.
I often ask WHY? HOW? but realize those answers won’t bring her back. I am heartbroken, I am so sad, I am so angry and I am lost. I talked to her almost every day…she was my go to person for all things…recipes, stain removal, advice, venting, sharing funny stories. Even now I catch myself thinking “Oh God I can’t wait to tell mom what so and so said…” and then stop to realize.
I feel like part of my life has stopped and that part of it wont start up again. This woman gave me life, taught me how to be a good person, how to love unconditionally, how to forgive and move on, how to sew, how to cook, how to garden, how to just about everything. She was there for me no matter what. She forgave me in my teens when I was rotten. She was stern but loving. She was a deep feeler – much like my daughter is. She loved Hoda and Kathie Lee like they were besties. She would always try and ask me “Did you see on the Today show….” and I always cut her off saying “Mom, I don’t watch that – I love GMA” and it turned into a funny joke after awhile. She loved labeling things to no end….organizing…keeping containers from things because that “would be great to use for….”. She made laundry a science! Cleaning I think was her passion – the number of times she’d whip out a bucket of hot sudsy water and a rag… These are all memories I will hang onto. But I want her here. I want her to yell at me for something stupid, I want her to laugh at our jokes, take what seemed like 2 hours to cut up a cantaloupe so precise that we would roll our eyes at how long it took her, I want to hear here yeall “Jaack” in her voice that my brother can mimic to a T. I want her here to hem the girls prom dresses, make them their favorites and love them. I want her to call and complain to me about the cable company….so many things.
While my mother is not here…she is in heaven with her mother. That is a thought that will help me get through this Mothers day. I will cry uncontrollable today, I will grieve for the loss of my mom and I will never be the same without her. But I do know that she loved me with all her heart and for that I will find solitude.