I met Cassidy this past year at a support group we both attend. It is for birth mothers and adoptees. Her story touched my heart so much. Her strength and life changing decisions left me in aw. She took some tragic moments in her life and changed things for the better…for her daughter…the daughter she would be placing for adoption. Her story is truly beautiful…
Introduce your self!
Hello! My name is Cassidy and I am 26 years old from Waconia, Minnesota. I am a birth mom as of January 4th, 2018. I graduated in 2010 and quickly made the decision to run far away and go to school in Arizona. (Go Wildcats!) It was a blast and a fabulous school, but I quickly turned around after that first semester and came back home to Minnesota. It just wasn’t for me. I spent 3.5 years up in Moorhead at MSUM (don’t ask how I went from Tucson to Moorhead) and was lucky enough to be able to continue my dance career dancing on the MSUM dance team. I am big into hockey (Go Wild!), coffee, healthy foods, yoga and meditation. Barre is my latest workout obsession as well. My happy place is up north along Lake Superior (Lutsen area to be exact). Seriously, just plop me in the woods for a weekend and that is all that I need. I also love writing and speaking about adoption and the plan I made for my daughter. I am sober as of June 4th, 2017 so that is a huge part of my life as well. Recovery is hard, but completely worth it.
Describe to me what a typical day in life of Cassidy was like before you knew you were pregnant…
Well honestly, my life was quite depressing before I found out I was pregnant. I was living alone in St. Cloud and working full time as a waitress. I was off and on seeing a guy that I had worked with at the same restaurant as well, and it was an incredibly tumultuous relationship. Mainly, my drinking had a lot to do with that as well as his mental health issues. I have not spoken to him since April 24th, 2017 as there is a no contact order. He is aware of Grace, but I have not reached out to him. That’s what happens when you decide to get physical with a woman, and she finds out a month or so later she is pregnant. I hope he can get his life together, but in the end he made things like this.
I moved to St. Cloud June of 2015 to live alone, be independent, work, and go back to school. Instead, my life started to quickly spiral out of control. Within 4 months I got a DWI, found myself knowing what the inside of the Stearns County Jail looked like too well, without a license for over a year and commuting via the bus lines to work at a restaurant downtown. My life revolved around work, riding the bus home, and drinking myself into oblivion every. single. day. I knew I needed to make a change, because everything alcohol had promised me was not happening. Everything kept getting pushed off and it was always “next time” or “tomorrow”. When they say that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it is seriously no joke. It was a pathetic way of life, which is why my daughters name is Grace. She was my saving Grace out of that lifestyle I was living, and for that I am forever grateful for that child.
When did you find out you were pregnant? How did you feel? What was the FIRST thought that ran thru your mind?
It was June 4th. I met my best friend at Granite City and she knew. She said she could tell all along cause I was always tired and not as up to go out and drink. (ha) So after two cocktails full of tequila, I got the liquid courage to take a pregnancy test. We left the restaurant and stopped at Cash Wise right near by. She pushed me to take it right away, so here we were in the Cash Wise bathroom taking a pregnancy test. (Classy!) I couldn’t look at it. I shoved it back into the bag, but as I did I caught a glimpse and could already see a line forming and knew. When we got back to Ally’s I made her look and tell me. She just sat there and said “Well we know what it says”. I honestly felt even more numb. I wanted to get drunk, but now I couldn’t? Which then made me feel suffocated. So I just sat and laid on her couch staring at the ceiling. I laid there for about an hour. Initially, I googled the nearest Planned Parenthood because I thought “I have to get rid of this!! This needs to go away!”. But as I laid there, I became more calm (shockingly). I knew it was going to be a mess and a hard road, but things in the end were going to be alright, and an abortion was not going to happen. The next day I called the Pregnancy Resource Center and met with a warm, friendly lady who educated me on each option and listened as I explained my fears. That Thursday June 8th, I left for inpatient treatment for the next 34 days.
Once you found out you were pregnant, what plans did you have in mind? What were the feelings? Thoughts?
For most of my pregnancy I was in pure shock, major denial, and had tremendous amounts of shame. I found out I was pregnant 4 days before leaving for treatment. I already felt like a total piece of crap because I couldn’t get my life together and the only accomplishment I had on my list was out drinking most people at the bar. I went to treatment and told my nurse at intake I had just found out I was pregnant. I was going to tackle the treatment experience and go from there once I was discharged. I was so scared because I honestly did not know what to expect. I was never a baby person, never got baby fever or wanted to hold newborns when they came around. I hardly babysat when I was younger, so I really had no experience around little ones. I never imagined being a single mom, newly sober either. So I had tossed around the idea of adoption in my head, but it seemed like it would be impossible to find a family that I would actually like and trust. I honestly just kept getting through each day hoping for a sign from God. I had kind of planned on raising Grace on my own and making it work, because I really didn’t see how any other option would play out. All the good things that work out perfectly only happen in the movies.
Open adoption seems to be more popular these days. You are part of an open adoption…how does that work? Is it enough? Is it hard? What are the pros and cons of open adoption?
So I knew from the start of looking into adoption that I would only do an open adoption plan. Closed was completely out of the question. For someone who was really contemplating raising her own child, I just couldn’t imagine placing my child with a family and never knowing anything for over 18 years.
We have an agreement (sort of like a contract) and in that agreement I have certain things put in place that I knew I wanted. At least once a month visits, updates (via text, email, social media, etc.), gifts from my family to Grace would be okay, things like that. Basically a relationship and connection to her! It works out great. Wendy is friends with myself and family via social media so we can all see updates on Grace there. Ben and Wendy are really good about texting and updating me on things. I still have this excitement, and maybe it will never go away, that whenever Wendy texts me I get giddy like a little girl and jump to grab my phone. I’ve never gotten like that over a guy texting me!
Open adoption is great and amazing, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But it has that side of it that is hard. Being able to watch Grace grow, but also watching her grow and bond with her family. It can be hard at times when I go to visit and she may be getting hungry or tired and starting to get fussy. She cries and reaches for her mom or dad, and it honestly tears at my heart.
I know more at the beginning when I was adjusting to being a new mom with no baby at home, when Wendy would post a picture of Grace and all of the comments would flood about how beautiful she was, what a gift, etc. The comments are amazing, but there’s that side of me that thinks “these people are talking about MY child!” “She wouldn’t be theirs if it wasn’t for me”. It is incredibly negative, but also incredibly honest coming from a birth mom. I don’t know if that will ever go away.
Open adoption takes a lot of work, communicating, and understanding. You have to understand that you made that choice for someone else to be your child’s parents and that it is NOT co-parenting. That has been the most helpful piece of information or advice, I suppose, I learned from the agency I placed through.
I think being open and honest from the start with the child about their adoption plan is a total game changer. I know I chose parents for Grace that will follow through with that. They talk about it at a young age with her older brother, who was also adopted. I am also prepared for when Grace will want to ask about her birth father and that story. She deserves to know and it is her right. My hopes is that she will have enough of what she needs from her adoptive family and my family being there for her as well. I definitely wouldn’t blame her for wanting to know where she comes from, because I would want to know as well.
What keeps you moving forward emotionally? Support groups? Self care?
I have to stay busy. Once I have that free time, lingering thoughts come in. I work two jobs and am big on attending support groups. I go to two different adoption support groups and I recently went through the adoption speakers training through Bellis. November 15th is my first classroom I will be speaking to about my adoption plan! I am also big on fitness. I have a membership at YogaFit and all of my time, outside of work and support groups, is spent at the studio. I also recently just completed YogaBarre Teacher Training, where I became certified to teach YogaBarre at my studio. I plan to audition to be a teacher at YogaFit before the end of the year. Self care is huge for me, too. It’s learning to say “No” and taking time for yourself. I do things that make me feel good–manicures, pedicures, facials and peels. I spent years not taking care of myself while I was drinking, so it’s fun to be able to take pride in taking care of my skin, body, and health now.
Support is another big thing for me. I have a huge support system of people that honestly keeps me going. Granted, I do have family who do not speak to me or have yet to reach out regarding my adoption plan, which makes it difficult and frustrating. But truthfully, I know what I have done for Grace was right for her and if you have negativity surrounding MY decision for MY daughter, then that’s on you. Understanding that toxicity is not worth it! I have zero time for that.
Ten years from now- where do you see your relationship with the adoptive family and your daughter? 20 years from now?
This is hard for me because I live by “One day at a Time”. Once I look into the future it usually starts to make me panic. HOPEFULLY things are still well and visits are still a thing. I am aware that my life will change once I am ready to have a family of my own and monthly visits might be hard. Who knows where I’ll be at in life?! But I plan on never leaving Grace behind. She will always know who I am and I can only hope that she will understand how incredibly difficult this was for me. I did it all for her out of hopes that she will have a fantastic life. When I think of down the line when I’m in my 40’s+…I hope that I have a big family who are close with and love Grace as much as I do. I picture the holidays and having all of my children under one roof celebrating. Grace would never be treated differently, she would be as one with the rest of us.
If you could give any advice to a young girl facing an unplanned pregnancy, what would it be?
Take a deep breath. Weigh your options. Take your time. Do your research and look into what is best for YOU. Not for the birth father, your parents, your teacher, grandparents, siblings, etc. I was very pleased with the Pregnancy Resource Center and the information I received on each option. It helped me to take a moment and truly think about the 3 options us women have, and what really would work for me. In the end, it is YOUR decision. You are the woman and the one growing the life inside of your body.
Thank you Cassidy for sharing your story. The more different sides of adoption and situations we hear about – the more understanding we all have about the topic