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Feel or Cope?

meds   Which is better…..to feel your feelings 100% or to cover them so you can deal with the situations that make you feel? It is no secret that I am on anxiety medicine. I need it to deal with life. Without it I grind my teeth, clench my jaw, lose sleep, have headaches and worry about stuff I can not control.

Yesterday I forgot to take my medicine in the hurry to pack up and take my kids to the waterpark. By the time we returned home I was a wreck. It was as tho someone broke the dam of feelings and they overflowed. I felt anger, hurt, shame, inadequacy as a mom, mentally exhausted and no patience. Sure we all feel that way time to time, but this was different. My heart broke along with the dam of feelings. I have blogged before, many times about my daughter and her struggles. It was a normal day for her, but for me I saw it differently and more emotionally vs. matter of fact. I woke this morning wondering which is better?

My medicine helps me be strong and patient…something I NEED as a mother with a daughter who struggles with school, social situations, friendships, not being able to learn from past mistakes and being a teen girl on top of that. Her Non Verbal Disorder is so much harder for her which results in hard times for me and hard times for our family. We do have good days – really good days. But we also have days that seem unending…fights, impulsive behavior, fights and social inappropriatenss.

I saw my daughter and her struggles differently yesterday…I saw it thru my feelings vs. my coping skills. I was heartbroken at the behavior she can’t control, the sadness of not fitting in with others her age, the fact that she needs love and positive attention from her mother instead of ALWAYS correcting her and being on her case in a negative way. I cried, I hugged her and loved her. I reminded her of how beautiful she is and loved she is and that just because I am tough on her I still love her. I hadn’t held her with her holding me back in such a long time. It simply felt good and so sad much at the same time.

It was good in a way that I had forgot my “happy pills” yesterday. I actually felt and loved truly and raw. But also realized if I felt all this every day I would be soooo consumed and exhausted with it.I would have nothing left to give. So, which is better? Pills to cope or no pills and raw emotion?

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