Jillsy's Blog

being a wife…birth mom…adoptive mom….dealing with infertillty & life

Healing and holding babies…. January 21, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 4:47 pm

FullSizeRender(1)   This is my brand new baby niece Quinn Elaine. She is two days old almost to the minute as I sit here and type. I am so in love with this little bundle of cuteness. I know, some of you are thinking…”yeah yeah yeah – it’s another cute little baby”. I may be a bit prejudice because she is family. But Quinn represents so many things for me. She is the 5th girl born to my side of the family – which means my nephew Cooper is bound to wear a princess crown at some point in his life – I mean surrounded by all girls..outnumbered. No super hero costume can protect a 5 year old boy from 5 girls!  She is the baby of the nieces/nephew/grandchildren in the family – born to the baby of my family – my brother. To see him as this grown man now with a daughter of his own really touches me. He has his little “mini me” in Cooper – they share love of superheros and Star Wars. But to see him be a father of a daughter will be something truly special to watch.

SHOUT OUT: Kristina is this beautiful little darlin’s mom….my sister in law. Kudos to her…SHE CREATED LIFE! (my brother will never get sick of hearing that!) lol

There are very few babies that I have held that are less than 24 hours old. There are few babies that I couldn’t wait to hold. There are a lot of babies that I just didn’t want to hold. I have close friends that have had babies over the years that I just couldn’t hold. Not because I was cold and insensitive or even uninterested. I think even with the babies I did hold, I had no connection or baby love feel.  It wasn’t for lack of love or happiness for the parents and their newborn, but for a wall I had put up many years ago without really being aware of it.

When Joshua was born I chose not to see him let a lone hold him. I was afraid of what that type of emotion would do to me and my plans for him. That started the foundation of my wall. When my beautiful daughters were born a world away, I never held them as a newborn…never saw that wrinkled forehead and baby smell. I never had that skin on skin bonding. I never got to swaddle them tight in a newborn blanket. Soon all these “nevers” built up a wall. There was no emotion connected to it. I never fully understood that type of instant love with a baby I created with my husband. Yes, holding my daughters for the first time was incredible, but different. Holding Joshua for the first time was beautiful too – altho him being 22 was definitely different than holding a newborn! 🙂

Please don’t get me wrong, holding my girls for the first time was one of the most amazing things in my life. I am not minimizing that in any way. It is just different. 

Through the whole process of writing my book, I discovered all the walls I had put up and was able to slowly tear them down piece by piece. I uncovered all these hidden feelings, felt them, dealt with them and was able to heal. Funny how you can go 20+ years and not realize how many feelings you need to pull out, put on your big girl pants and deal with. Because of this, I am able to hold a newborn baby and feel nothing but 100% unconditional love and true aw of a beautiful new little life. It is an explainable healing that I have gone thru and it has been long overdue. It feels good to have my feelings back in check.

My dear little niece Quinn, you will always hold an extra special piece of my heart. Of course I love all my nieces and nephews so much – but you precious girl, have finally let a ray of sunshine into a part of my soul that used to be dusty, cobwebby and dark.