anxiety, believe, depression, santa, Uncategorized

Joyful Jill…

JOYA good friend’s daughter I call “Lovely Leah” nicknamed me “Joyful Jill” or just “Joyful” for short. That got me thinking….and realizing: I am Joyful. Finally. My last blog post I was in a bad place…winter blues aka SAD, overwhelmed with my “Holiday TO DO List”, and just plain old bitchy. I did call my Dr….she changed my medicine and now after a few days…I am back! I feel like myself again.

My friends, co-workers and family: It’s ok!! I am BACK! Thank you for your love, lifesaver books, kind words and being YOU!

My hubby is a saint….not to mentioned relieved that I am “back”. He would lovingly pick up the slack, let me sulk and sleep, and walk with the utmost quietness on all those egg shells around me…like avoiding a land mine. My kids are happy to see me smile and have fun. And good old Gracie (that ever loved Elf on the Shelf) has been moved by my girls 🙂

While I had that I need an anxiety medicine to make me feel “normal”, I realize that I do NEED it. I will not feel bad about that. Instead I will swallow that little (actually horse size) capsule with a big old glass of water and enjoy life. Enjoy family. Enjoy this, the most wonderful time of the year – oh and if you feel or hear the biggest let down sigh tomorrow morning – don’t worry, it’s just my children being pissed that they did NOT get an iphone for Christmas! However they did get some nice things they NEEDED not necessarily WANTED. Someday when the self centered teen years are behind them…they too will realize that is not what Christmas is all about! In the words of The Grinch (also my former personality):

“Maybe Christmas he thought doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more”

I wish you all a Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus…..and a wonderful HAPPY New Year!


Bah Humbug…

igrinch As I sit here waiting at the “Holiday crazed lit up tinsel covered, wrapping paper with ribbons, cookie making, card sending and expensive gifts Cafe” my table is called: “Piss and Vinegar….table for one”. that’s me! Piss and Vinegar. But I am not exclusively that name….Piss and Vinegar can be easily switched out to “Bitchy and Angry”, “Scrooge” or even “Jill”. It’s a new experience this year for me in this….what do they call it????….hmmmm…..oh yeah, “Most wonderful time of the year”. It is funny because I can’t see the “wonderful” through all the fog and haze. This fog and haze that usually doesn’t hit me til January when there is no end to winter in sight. But this year my seasonal depression came early. Happy Holidays to me!!! Good news tho – I can see my dr. in 3 weeks – AFTER – the most wonderful time of the year. Now, I know you are saying “Snap out of it. It’s CHRISTMAS. Life is what you make it. If you are down and pissy about it – well then that is the type of holiday you WILL have”….believe me – I whole heartily agree. I think I may have even invented that mantra…But when this seasonal crap kicks in and we have 10 days with out sunshine and it is dark and cloudy all the time….your mind becomes dark and cloudy and you have no control over it….let me repeat…you have no control over it.  Do I enjoy this? nope. Do I want to enjoy the holiday season. yes. In fact I love Christmas! The house is cozy and warm, the smell of a real tree (tho messy and needles are everywhere) smells divine, baking cookies with my girls is fun. I love wrapping presents…decorating and entertaining. I am Martha freakin’ Stewart when it comes to Christmas. But this year….not so much. I am angry at all the running around…spending money we don’t have….not wanting to bake….always that one more thing to buy, mail, write and do. And don’t get me started on the Elf on a Shelf. Love hiding her and doing all the fun things – my kids know it is me but still love to wake up and find her. This year I have heard “Oh, Gracie didn’t move again last night?” (cue FAILURE as a mom). there are potlucks for school – snacks hubby has to bring to work – cards to mail out (WITH a typo) – tree needles to vacuum up AGAIN.  I hate feeling this way so much…especially when everything in my life is wonderful! That damn fog has grabbed hold of me earlier this year, harder this year and won’t give me a break. Sure I have an occasional day where I am euphoric, cloud 9, uber creative and happy as a fat kid with cake. But when the ratio of those days is so low compared to the fog filled days…no fun. I hate that medicine has to make me “happy” and society dictates Christmas. What happened to fun new jammies, Lifesaver book, new outfit and a stocking filled with crap…now it all about $100 boots and clothes, electronics that are the best and the fastest, a good old fashion flip phone that calls and texts isn’t good enough for a 11 year old…. I know this is a total Debbie Downer blog post…I KNOW IT IS. But I also know how bad this fog can take over a person. I know I am not the only one out there….I DO wish you all Happy Holidays and the greatest New Year….at least the “Jill” part of me does :/