“If I knew then what I know now” … How many times in life have we said or heard that? How many times have we thought that and wondered to ourselves “Would I have taken the same path? Made the same decisions?” It is hard to tell. Part of life and growing up and becoming an adult is living and learning from positive and negative situations and experiences. We want to live our life to the fullest and not be filled with “Could haves, Would haves, Should haves”….
Growing up we have a plan. We make a plan the way our life is supposed to go, the way we WANT our life to go. We don’t plan for hard things, for loss or for pain. We plan for an easy fun and fulfilling life. One that doesn’t send you on a dark and scarey path, but a happy well lit path. We make these plans and we expect our life to follow our plan. But we tend to overlook at THE PLAN. The Plan God makes for us.
It is hard for me to write about God. I am not a preacher, pastor, priest or even a nun. I have my doubts and often wonder about what is the RIGHT religion. I have fought with my spouse over God and what beliefs we share and what beliefs and thoughts we are on total opposite ends on. In fact there was a time I thought we would not make it through a fight over such things. We both want the same journey – that we live our lives the best we can and ultimately see each other again in heaven. Just our path of getting there is different. His is very open and loves to talk about it – preach about it. He sees the Bible as a book with black and white rules – no room for personal interpretation. I however am the opposite. To me, it is personal and I keep quiet about my journey with faith and God. We are at a place to agree to disagree about things and be respectful to each others journey.
Back to THE PLAN….My plan was to grow up, get married and have a couple children and live happily ever after. I think as young girls we want to be like any Disney princess until we learn who we are as young adults. We have our plan that doesn’t include people dying before their time, cancer, divorce, struggles financially, and all the other gloomy things that happen in our world. But if we had that easy plan, we would never grow or learn. We would never stop and see what IS important. I had my plan all set in my head. I knew what I wanted and had the blueprint burned into my head. Then something humorous happened….God looked at this blue print…laughed uncontrollably and crumpled it up and tossed it aside. But I didn’t realize this until now. He sent me on his plan that lead me on dark scary paths. I was pregnant as a teen. I chose adoption for this baby. I met the man of my dreams – we have been through some rocky times and survived. We couldn’t have babies the way we wanted to. We adopted. But during the hardness of those individual situations was always a silver lining – a lining that I could not see until NOW. (If I knew then what I know now) My baby’s father fought and won custody of him – God made it easier to find him when the time was right. We couldn’t have babies unless we adopted – God showed me how the receiving end of adoption felt. God taught people how to forgive and love – my ‘baby” is in my life now and is 27! FULL CIRCLE people! Full circle!!
I don’t know why God’s plan isn’t always easy. Why does he send people on harder journeys than mine? Why is their cancer and disease? Why is there death too soon? I don’t have the answers. The one thing I do know for sure is that God’s plan is the ultimate one and we need to let go and trust. I am a control freak, a planner and impatient. If I can let go and trust…anyone can.