My Pastors (and friends) at our church put an email out to our members….they were looking for stories from us…stories of deliverance….stories of a dark place that we may have been through….stories of how we came out of those places and felt God’s work. I shared my story. I felt as tho it is a story that shows “God is good…all the time” even in the dark places. We may makes plans for our lives, but int he end he has the final say. Thought I would share it:
Being 17 and pregnant were never two things that I thought would have gone together in my life. I always wanted to have children and a family, but not at 17. Soul searching and praying lead me to the one decision that made the most sense: adoption. I had to trust that God would look over this child.That he would have a complete full life with two parents who loved him and could give him what he needed – what I couldn’t. Despite what I WANTED.
Flash forward 8 years…Happily married, couple years of newlywed bliss under our belts…time to think about the next step – children! We were excited as we thought about having a little one bless our family. A year had gone by and no success. So we turned to the specialists and the romantic idea of trying to get pregnant turned into something of a science experiment – calendars, shots, hormones and the perfect timing. Forget candles, roses and romance. Get the lab coats out and let’s get to work. Why on earth was it so hard? After 6 years of the trying, praying, doctors and medical jargon…we found out we could…rather I COULD NOT have children. why? Why? WHY? Why was God doing this? Was he punishing me for the decision I had so carefully made years earlier? The decision to unselfishly put my baby’s needs BEFORE mine and over my wants at the young age of 17?? Why would he do that?? That was not the right time for me to be a mother….and now it was and nothing??? We had so much to give and yet I felt as tho God was punishing me, punishing us.
A few months of grieving what we would never create went by. We talked and decided on adoption. A long tidies process, with lots of paperwork and being put under a microscope – background checks, fingerprinting and references. It is truly easier to buy a house and a lot less paperwork! We dotted our “i’s” and crossed all out “t’s” and waited patiently. May 2001 we stood patiently at MSP airport and waited for our baby girl to be escorted off the plane. She was smiling, chubby cheeks and so beautiful as we took her in our arms from a small framed Asian woman. We had our baby! Such a wonderful experience that we did it all over again a couple years later. Again we were blessed with another baby girl.
It was a random day – I was watching my beautiful girls playing together thinking that life was good when I had what one may call my “Oprah ah-ha” moment….God was good! He wasn’t punishing me for the decision I made as a young woman, but instead was showing me the receiving end of a decision that some other young woman had made. I cried at the power of that feeling. I got it.
Flash forward to 2010, I meet my birth son. He is 22 and awesome. He had the life I wanted for him. He had two wonderful parents and he UNDERSTOOD my decision. We now have a relationship and again – life is good. My circle is complete.
We go through our lives making plans, wanting things to go in the direction that WE want them to go. I have learned that God has the last word…He tweaks our plans – sometimes that may lead to pain and suffering and questioning his love for us…but after the wall of pain and suffering comes down we look back and say “I get it!” and we smile at how much stronger we have become and how much our faith in him has grown.
God is good…all the time….amen.