Jillsy's Blog

being a wife…birth mom…adoptive mom….dealing with infertillty & life

From fog to food…. June 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — jillsy @ 7:12 pm

Did you know that the color blue is supposed to be an appetite suppressant?  Think about it – there aren’t many blue natural food items, and the Blue Plate Special?? – blue would supress the appetite and make you eat less. But then when we are depressed we call it “The Blues” and eat our way thru the kitchen cupboards?  Things that make you go “hmmmmm”.

A couple years back I was in a funk. It was the dead of winter. I could NOT get motivated for anything – my kids, my husband, my creativity – nothing.  I would wake… go thru my day and count the minutes til the kids were in bed and I could be alone on the couch watching TV. I know, I know – many of moms feel that every so often – but this was different….while I LOVE TV and admit it freely, It wasnt about the TV programming, but the time alone where I didnt need to be anyone or anything to anybody. So I go in for my yearly check up – mention this to my Dr. – she has me do a depression checklist. I would NEVER describe myself as depressed…fun, upbeat, positive – that is the Jill I knew. But sure enough there were things that showed up as depressed. So like many americans I was put on a low dose of an antidepressant – which also curbed your appetite a bit. Within a few days I felt GREAT! I had a spring in my step again, all the patience in the world for my children (which was good timing with the ADHD diagnosis with Maddie), and felt like ME again. Fast forward a couple years (last year to be specific) I met my birth som for the first time…an emotional wonderful event that ranks up there as one of the BEST days of my life and normally I would have been teared filled and emotional (yes, I DO tear up over OnStar ads) but I wasn’t a balling mess. Sure, it could have been the nerves, but it just wasnt the normal “Jill” response.  Sure, I did have genuine feelings and felt them all, but they didn’t surface the normal way – if that even makes sense?!?! So I started paying attention to them a bit more…So I realized slowly that my tears and raw emotions about many things were being replaced with chips, m&m’s, peanut butter – eating instead of feeling. And with that comes….say it with me….WEIGHT GAIN.  So, I decided to go off the meds. It was a low enough dose and I knew that I wasnt really in the DARK place without it that many people are. I decided for ME that it was better to have genuine feelings and put them back out on my sleeve where they belong. Granted, it was a slightly bigger sleeve, but it felt good to FEEL again.  Now, 5 months later I am feeling better – cry over a sappy movie again – tear up over Oprah, a good book, the sermon at church that touched me  and sometimes even have a good old fashioned UGLY cry – but it feels good. 

The one thing I can’t shake tho is the senseless eating….now I feel and eat along with it. Happy times – grab a drink and a dinner out to celebrate….meet for lunch to catch up….snacks- YES!  It is a vicious cycle. 

I know all the sayings, quotes and even lost 50 lbs. on Weight Watchers….I know to eat right and excercise. But why is it that some of us lucky few we turn a bad day into a handful of M&M’s and a glass of wine?

I guess we live and learn….I think being on an antidepressant my feelings were being guarded during an emotional time for me, the past meeting the here and now, the time I needed to be supportive of my daughter and set my feelings aside, and work through things that I have kept folded neatly away for years. I can honestly say I may have ‘expanded’ my wardrobe, but during it all I now FEEL and am HAPPY with my life 100%.  The emotional stuff has all been worked through – now it is time to put down the cookie and move….

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