family, mom

I hate ADHD, not my daughter…

Every morning is the same routine for my daughter and I…up at 6:30, Vyvanse mixed with applesauce for her…while it takes time to kick in – she is allowed to have a little free time while I have a cup of coffee and take a few minutes for me before the rat race of the day starts. From there I call her down to work on homework that is left over from the night before because her medicine wore off and it is a battle to work on it at 7:30 at night. Most times she gets it done – nice handwriting and very little battle – so DIFFERENT than the evening before. Altho she gets obsessed with her pencil -likes a good point and erases if it isn’t just write. Then we move on to getting dressed. She still wants me to help her find an outfit (I don’t mind that part – fun for me putting ensembles together) – so I pick out something cute – she doesn’t like the way those jeans fit, or that shirt looks too big (it’s a tunic – suppose to be) so in the end she ends up picking out her own outfit. Meanwhile I just wasted 10 minutes arguing over a shirt and now I am running late. …these are just a few things that go along with ADHD in our house. She also has a touch of OCD mixed in there and when there is a not so patient mom, there is arguing.  I look forward to it when my daughter crosses the threshold of the door to leave for the bus. Is that I don’t want to be home with her? NO. Is it that I don’t love her more than life? NO! It is ADHD that I hate and all the quirks she has with it – the over focusing she tends to have. Every question has a whole negotiating session that comes with it – yes or no answers are never that simple.

When she has a playdate with her friend – who is suppose to be there at a specific time we agreed on and ends up being an hour later – it is the longest hour of my life – “When will she be here?” – “she is always late” –  “Call her and see when she is coming” – “I thought she was going to be here at this time” etc – now play that in a loop for an hour.  No matter how many times I answer those questions and assure her that she IS indeed coming to play – the loop continues.

Also – with ADHD we have NVLD – Non Verbal Learning Disorder – she cannot pick up of non verbal cues people put off. This makes it hard with friends. She will find that one person in school that she really likes and wants to play with and have over etc…but gets a little focused on that ONE friend – others dont understand that and I am sure she can’t read that person’s non verbal cues for her to back off a bit. You can be the best mom in the world and love your daughter and teach her how to be a good friend, but that only goes so far if she can’t read non verbal cues….

Organization – not so good. Always little messes in her room. Asking her to pick up the toy room is so overwhelming for her –

I love my daughter more than anything and of course I adapt and we make changes that are  necessary for her to succeed. Home and school we make changes and promote the positive in things… But sometimes it is hard to be patient, pleasant and encouraging. Iam being honest…I hate ADHD, non-verbal learning disorders and the bits and pieces of OCD that get tossed in there. 

Don’t get me wrong, I put on the smiling face, I be patient, I adapt and I make her feel loved because she is and I wouldnt trade her for the world.  She is beautiful, funny, determined, smart, caring and loving.  And there is NOTHING I wouldnt do for her. But the ADHD and the NVLD – I hate you for making it hard on MY daughter, I know there are others with far harder struggles and people that cant even have children – believe me, I know that. But I have the right to hate what makes things hard for her, dont I?


Emotional Spring…

Spring…a time of rebirth – new leaves, new flowers, a new season. It is refreshing and beautiful…colors emerge from the greyness of the long winter. It is like our soul is reborn.  I think back to last spring …waiting to mail a letter that could change lives. Looking back, I am glad I did. It has been a year of discovery and a new relationship that took 23 years to start…


I set you free on the wings of a prayer,

To fly through life in His tender care.

You’re free from the nest and the ties that are bound,

Free from the pressures I carry around.

If I kept you I’d only be cutting your wings,

Not offering the chance a true family brings.

The decision I’ve made has my heart torn in two,

But I know what I’m doing is the best thing for you.

The sky is so vast,the mountains so high

Take wing and remember: I love you.





  “If only God would give me some clear sign! Making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank” – Woody Allen

 “Signs, signs everywhere there’s signs – blocking up the scenery – breaking up my mind”  – Five Man Electrical Band

 “When suffering comes, we yearn for some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one” – Mignon McLaughlin

     So…I got to thinking about all the signs we encounter throughout our lives. Signs that are crafted by man and signs we receive from above. I believe the signs from above are from God. But let’s start with the signs from man. When you stop and think about it, there are signs for EVERYTHING. Which public restroom you use, which lane you turn in, where to exit, where to come in, the name of a store, the price of gas….and the list goes on and on.

 Then we have the signs that keep us safe…STOP, Employees must wash hands, Slow: children at play, speed limits, Emergency Room…and again that list can go on and on…but these signs most likely originated due to something tragic happening.

But then we have the signs that are man made AND from God. Signs of Spring: baseball season, motorcycles, bikes and scooters out from the toy shed, spring break, tulips popping up from the once frozen ground, leaves starting to bud, the first robin chirping and neighbors slowly coming out to gather and comment on the long cold winter that was just had.  Same can go for all seasons…..

Now let’s talk about signs out of our hands – the signs from God – the REAL signs also known to some as “coincidences”….I believe they are signs from God, not a coincidence. The kind of signs that give you goose bumps, send shivers down your spine, leave you speechless. Altho, some signs we don’t see until much later on…these are the signs that come to us in the form of pain and suffering – the times where we question God and wonder “WHY?”.

Once I found out that I could not conceive a child I was devastated. What kind of sign was this?  After adopting my two daughters I saw that the pain itself was a sign – to show me the true blessing and gift of adoption.  After we had adopted Maddie, we assumed this would be our only child – adoption is sooooo expensive. But a couple years later we were blessed with a great tax return. It wasn’t a “Cool – let’s blow it on a dream vacation or a new TV or car” but a sign that we could have another baby bless our lives. I remember when we had gotten our “referral” for Olivia – that is the paperwork all about this little baby from another country that will be yours. In her papers she had a rough go at it when she was born – we didnt understand any of the medical jargon. So we went to see a family doctor at our local clinic – we desparately needed someone to explain it all to us in English. As we were waiting in the room we saw the medical degree hanging on the wall of another Dr….a Dr. Park….PARK – that was Olivia’s Korean last name – sure that could be a coincidence since Park is one of the # 1 last names in Korea….but we took it as a sign that our little girl was going to be just fine. And she was. Another sign from God for me was finding my birth son. I had thought about him everyday for 23 years and knew someday the time would be right. I typed his name into the search box on Facebook of all places. Instead of a list of 300 people with that name coming up – HIS page came up – his beautiful face looking back at me. That was a sign that THIS was the time for me to reach out. God wasnt ready for us to meet sooner – this was the plan….this was the SIGN I needed. 

 A friend of mine grew up not really believeing or knowing if there was a God. He would feel a sort of pulling at him but just wasnt sure. One day up north (in God’s country – how ironic!) he prayed for the first time – he so wanted to see a sunrise up top a cliff – but was so not a morning person. So he asked God – if he was indeed real – wake him for that sunrise. He woke to a foggy hazy morning…climbed the cliff and above all the haze and fog saw the sunrise….not only did he see the sunrise, but he looked down and there in the dirt was a cross made out of two sticks tied together with string….a cross that was not there the afternoon before. A SIGN.  

I know all this may sound quirky to some of you – that is ok. I BELIEVE that all those coincidences are God Blinks (as my friend calls them) – signs from above guiding us and helping us find the way….