It seems sort of funny that I have a birth son and two adopted daughters and yet I never held them as newborns. My birth son was born 23 years ago with the intent of putting up for adoption. So I never saw him or even hugged him until he was 22 years old. My daughters were born in Korea and didnt come to be with us til they were 5-7 months old. Before we adopted the girls we had a 6 year ride of infertility…so as you can imagine when friends and family members would get pregnant when we couldnt, it was hard to be genuinely happy for them. All I could feel was the pain of not being able to. And when people would ask if I would like to hold their newborns, I would politely decline or find an excuse not to. It was just too emotional. After we adopted Maddie and she was 2 years old, my sister was pregnant with her first baby….this was the first time I was genuinely happy. It felt good. I got to hold my neice and smell that new baby smell and love this tiny little baby and know what it was like to feel pure joy holding her. From there it got easier…Now my brother and his wife are having their first baby…a boy. I feel like I am living vicariously through them at times….the fun of tiny newborn clothes, waiting with excitement for the due date and then being able to hold that newborn baby. To be able to be genuinely happy for pregnant people and share in their joy of that precious gift from God took a long time. I am at a good place now – when I hug my girls and Josh – it is more than just a hug. It is a “sorry i never had the chance to hold you as a newborn, but my heart is still full of love for you” ..Tho I never held my babies as newborns, I dont love them any less, in fact I think I hug and snuggle them MORE. Thank you to the people I live vicariously through…you have helped me to heal.
Living vicariously…. October 16, 2010