Adoption, birth mom, family, infertility, mom, Uncategorized

Halloween and Motherhood

As I stroll through all the Halloween aisles in various stores picking up decorations, drooling over which candy I should buy to satisfy my chocolate craving, amused at all the so called scary things and balk at the price of a costume and think “I could SO make that cheaper” – I am reminded of all the “costumes” and “characters” that we as moms play. Not just on Halloween, but the other 300+ days of the year.

The Nurse/Doctor: minus the short scandalous outfit, we fix owies, dispense medicine and care for the sick.

The Trailer Trash Woman: spring time rolls around and you start having windows open…but forget they are open…and find yourself yelling “Get off your sister and play nice!” and the whole neighborhood can hear you and wonder what on earth is going on at THAT house.

The Witch: “pick up your toys” …”no more TV”… “I said NO!”…”I am not so-in-so’s mom”….”If she told you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

Dorothy from Oz:  There really is no place like home…

Go-Go Dancer: The one night a month you get to escape from the children and go out with your girlfriends and for adult conversation and to compare notes about being…. a mom.

Scarecrow: Some days after making lunches, fixing hair, checking homework, breaking up fights, driving kids all over to various places, making dinner, bedtime routines etc….your head feels it is filled with straw….SPENT!

Scary Monster/Zombie: It’s tough trying to scare those pesky hiccups away!

Pregnant Nun: Do as I say, not as I do…

Food Items (hotdog, McD, etc): Coming up with dinner ideas that dont seem boring or lazy!

Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny: Keeping them believing as long as we can.

And let us not forget all those “adult” costumes…the Bride, French Maid, Dirty Nurse, Trampy Little Bo Peep etc….That is right after a day of all the above “costumes” we wear, we are still someone’s spouse…the better half….the adoring wife….who is also the tired mom of two (or three or four or five) that is exhausted once the kids go to bed. Sometimes we can “rally” and sometimes we really just want to be Sleeping Beauty with Prince Charming, the man who supports all the other costumes she wears throughout the day. Because without him, we couldn’t pull off all the other characters we must play 🙂

Adoption, birth mom, family, infertility, mom, Uncategorized

Living vicariously….

It seems sort of funny that I have a birth son and two adopted daughters and yet I never held them as  newborns.  My birth son was born 23 years ago with the intent of putting up for adoption. So I never saw him or even hugged him until he was 22 years old. My daughters were born in Korea and didnt come to be with us til they were 5-7 months old.  Before we adopted the girls we had a 6 year ride of infertility…so as you can imagine when friends and family members would get pregnant when we couldnt, it was hard to be genuinely happy for them. All I could feel was the pain of not being able to. And when people would ask if I would like to hold their newborns, I would politely decline or find an excuse not to. It was just too emotional.  After we adopted Maddie and she was 2 years old, my sister was pregnant with her first baby….this was the first time I was genuinely happy. It felt good. I got to hold my neice and smell that new baby smell and love this tiny little baby and know what it was like to feel pure joy holding her. From there it got easier…Now my brother and his wife are having their first baby…a boy. I feel like I am living vicariously through them at times….the fun of tiny newborn clothes, waiting with excitement for the due date and then being able to hold that newborn baby. To be able to be genuinely happy for pregnant people and share in their joy of that precious gift from God took a long time. I am at a good place now – when I hug my girls and Josh – it is more than just a hug. It is a “sorry i never had the chance to hold you as a newborn, but my heart is still full of love for you” ..Tho I never held my babies as newborns, I dont love them any less, in fact I think I hug and snuggle them MORE.  Thank you to the people I live vicariously through…you have helped me to heal.

Adoption, birth mom, family, infertility, mom, Uncategorized

Nebraska…good for the soul?

I was invited to my sister in law’s baby shower – along with my mom and sister…in Nebraska.  So all 3 of us along with my sister in law packed up her volkswagon mini-SUV with luggage, gifts, snacks, magazines and a leaky cooler (sorry Holly!) and at 10am on Friday we headed out of town – after stopping for coffee of course. Just 6+ hours on the road and we would be there.  Lots of talking, laughing, reading, snacking, pit stops and lunch break we arrive in Lincoln Nebraska at 5:20 pm. (oh, let’s not forget the very boring drive through IOWA)!

We drive up to this beautiful breathtaking acreage…a lovely pond…amazing brick home with all types of character…bird houses and feeders…geese, wild turkeys, peacocks with their brilliant blue-green feathers, young deer and 3 hairy cute alpacas. It was the home of my sister in law’s parents.  The minute you drive up you immediately feel relaxed, at ease and in awe of this amazing splendor – a creation by both man and God.

The weekend went fast – filled with talking…more laughter…wonderful food and a heart felt baby shower. But not only was it filled with socializing and bonding, but I felt rejuvenated. The hustle and bustle of busy days, kids, husband, and daily grind went away. I had two glorious mornings waking up to coffee and taking in the peacocks, turkey and deer just milling about the yard.  Walks outside to visit the alpacas and collect cool feathers to bring home. And nights of good sleep with the window open – total peace – no barking dogs…no cars…loud motorcycles…airplanes flying over or the loudness of a train whistle going through town. TOTAL peace and quiet.

Our weekend ended. I felt like a new person – got part of “Jill” back that gets so easily lost in the daily grind of motherhood, working, volunteering, household hub-bub and the basic running around.  We packed up the car again and headed home…complete with a bouquet of beautiful peacock feathers.  

Who knew a quick weekend to Nebraska could result in new friendships, a better love of all God’s splendor and a fresh attitude…not to mention I really missed my family.