Adoption, birth mom, family, infertility, mom, Uncategorized

The Letter

Back in the day, before emails, texting and social networking sites, people actually wrote letters, placed them in an envelope, put a stamp on it and dropped it in the mailbox. It would take 2-3 days for it to get to it’s destination and then you would wait 1-2 weeks for a reply. Today we want that instant gratification of a response NOW. When someone takes a day or two to email back you wonder if perhaps they were sick, out of town or perhaps their computer was down.
The letter I needed to write needed the personal handwritten, drop in the mailbox type of touch to it. I decided to add a bit of technology in by typing it with a handwritten font – I knew I would be writing and rewriting and needed the element of editing without crumpling up a sheet of paper and starting all over. Backspace – retype was the way to go – and I did backspace and retype a lot. This letter had to be PERFECT. It was the letter I would be writing to Joshua’s parents. It was hard on so many levels and yet easy on others. So many feelings – 22 years worth that have been folded up and neatly tucked away knowing the boy I gave up was safe, loved and cared for. So many emotions came pouring out – tears too. I had to choose my words carefully. I knew it would be shocking to hear from me after so many years. I needed to reassure them that I was not here to disrupt their family and the harmony of it. I didn’t even know if he knew about me. Afterall he was a baby when his dad married his mom and she was the only mom he knew – why would they even have to tell him? I wanted them to know that I was not that same 18 year old girl who was pregnant and was not ready to be a mom. I had grown, matured and had two daughters that ironically were adopted. And most importantly, I needed his mom to know that SHE is his mom, I was merely his “belly mom”. SHE raised him, changed his diapers, saw his first step, kissed his owies, taught him how to love, be kind, share, do chores…she deserved and earned the title MOM. I was not here to “take over” or have him choose a family – that is not me. But I wanted to meet him. I felt like I was ready. But I also didn’t know if he knew about me. And if they decided not to tell him, I accepted their decision – THEY were his parents and knew what was best for THEIR son. I told them of all the strange coincidences – or “God blinks” as my friend calls them. And that I took them as a sign. A sign I WAS ready to make that move of getting in touch. But I had to also be prepared that he truly might NOT know about me and be ready to accept that – which I think I was. So I finished my letter…clicked on the “save as” tab and closed the file. A month later after I sat on it I went back in and tweaked it a bit and hit “save” again. Another month went by and I had time to think it through – yes, I was ready to make the next move. Print, hand sign with my info, fold, address, stamp and mail. One of the most important letters I would write and have a stranger deliver.

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