Adoption, birth mom, family, infertility, mom, Uncategorized

Facebook

Facebook is a funny thing. Some may say it is a waste of time (time filled with useless games about farms, mafias or fuzzy hearts and sparkles), or they use it for social networking (networking to connect with a business, group events or even class reunion), or to advertise (local singles scene, pharmaceuticals or bladder control) and yes, even find long lost friends (high school sweethearts, your BFF from college or a long lost cousin). It is quite slick if you ask me – the finding people part. You type in a name – a search comes up with 1 – 1000 people with the same name – you narrow it down by school, city or even job. I have found many of people this way. But also, it put me on a whole new path in this journey we call LIFE. A journey I knew I would someday take, but just never knew when.
My journey, as I call it, started by typing in a specific name. I typed this specific name time and time again thru all sorts of search engines – a million came up or nothing at all. This time was different – up popped one name, one person – one face, not even a list of people to narrow it down from – but a single person. Then I scanned the birth date, June 16, 1987. It HAD to be him. Same birth date, similar features. My heart went from your standard resting rate to an Olympic runner’s heart rate in 3 seconds. Excitement, anxiousness, sadness, happiness -a whole realm of emotions flooded my body – I was frozen. A face to a name. A face that I had never seen before, but yet looked familiar to me. A warm smile and gentle eyes. A calmness about this person. This person whom I never met, yet carried in me for 9 months. It was Joshua.
As I looked at his profile, I noticed “1 mutual friend” – my heart skipped a beat – “WHO?!?!?!?!” – I look and it is my neighbor gal who is like a daughter to me – who has babysat my girls since they were babies – someone I am close to and trust with all things. So again through the beauty of technology I whip out my phone and text her: “How do you know Joshua?” – like any 18 year old she text back with lightning speed and says “I work with him – how do YOU know him?” – well I dont have enough characters available to text that back and it wasnt a “text message” type story – so I told her to come over and I would tell her in person. I felt a sense of relief that out of all the 18-20 somethings I knew that SHE was the connection – I could tell her my story and she would get it and keep it between us until I knew what to do next. So I sat her down on my bed and told her the whole story. She was shocked and happy all at the same time. I told her that she couldnt say anything – especially to Joshua. And I was sorry to put her in an awkward sitaution. But I knew I trusted her – I put my children in her trust everytime she babysat – so this was an easy thing to trust her with.
So over the next couple weeks I would visit Joshua’s Facebook page – kind of getting to know him from a safe distance. So many things in common – made me smile – nature? nurture? (that is a whole different entry!). I felt such a sense of…relief? happiness? – he seemed like a wonderful young man – how I so wanted to meet him…finally. For the next couple weeks I lay awake at night – does he even know about me? WHAT does he know? If he knows – is he angry? confused? curious? I had a lot to think about – what to do? how do do it? The only thing I DID know was I need to put his feelings and life first – just like 22 years ago…..

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